Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 857
I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match." "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."
Wouldn't it be awesome just to come home and know that somewhere in your place there's a monkey you're gonna battle?I hate it when somebody turns around in my driveway. You're just sitting comfortably, watching T, you hear a car pulling up. Like, "Who is this?!" It's so disruptive. You look out: strange car, you don't know if it's a government official. You start getting concerned "What, I don't know this car!" Then they turn to leave. You're like, "You son of a bitch! You wasted moments of my life! Moments I will never get back!"
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
You might be a redneck if you celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
When I see the American flag, I go, 'Oh my God, you're insulting me.'
I saw something stupid in the paper today - a new alarm clock that makes no noise. It's for people who don't like loud noises. Instead, it slowly hits you with light and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have one of those... it's called a window.
Dad finally had a defribillator implanted in his body. You know, "Clear!" He had a little one right here. Ironically, the size and shape of a cigarette pack, which used to crack me the fuck up, man. 'Cause he smoked for forty years, and now he's got a permanent little square right here. "Hey dad, you got a cigarette?" "Yeah, hold up."
There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.
I found our cat the other day. I would have found him a week ago, but we have a grass bag on our lawnmower.
If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber’s calf, he would’ve never started Christianity.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
Way back in the day, like in the 1990s, if you wanted to tell everyone you ate waffles for breakfast, you couldn’t just go on the internet and tweet it out. There was only one way to do it. You had to go outside and scream at the top of your lungs, 'I ate waffles for breakfast!' That’s why so many people ended up in institutions. They seemed crazy, but when you think about it, they were just ahead of their time.
There have been two different drafts of the script. The hard part about following it up is at the end of the first one, he revealed his identity to his kids. How do you play that out? How does she come back? One of the ideas was that he'd go to New York because his daughter was going to college and he'd be nearby. But as a script, it never worked.