Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 86
My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.
Sometimes when I watch porn I get my hoodie on so I feel creepier. Sometimes I get under computer so it feels like I’m spying on her.
You ever get sick and one of your friends gives you medical advice? And they tell you that they're not a doctor - like you didn't know it?
Here are the values that I stand for: honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you want to be treated and helping those in need. To me, those are traditional values.
A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, "Everyone's got their tale of woe," and then turning around and saying, "Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail."
When somebody gives you directions, don't you get so anal about their directions, they give you them and the entire time driving your like cutting down their directions, right?
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the fuck up"!
This annoyed me: I was on the phone with somebody today trying to get a phone number from that person and write it down, but they didn't have phone number rhythm and that pissed me off. You know what I'm talking about? Phone number rhythm. Especially if there's like an area code involved, like 'two one two - bum bum buh - bum buh bum buh!' That is the rhythm I think we're all familiar with. This guy had no clue! I was like "Okay, Hank. Gimme the number." He's like "Alright. It's two one two nine - fifteen eight eleven six fou... tw... five... eight... seven... two." "Did you throw in your zip code? Cause I got a lot of extra numbers over here. I have extra. I can almost start a new number! What do ya got?! Start again from the top!" They really screw you up on the last four numbers. That's where they get ya. "Five five five - six... teen forty one" "Dude, I already wrote the six! I made the dash too close, I can't shimmy the one in there now! Forget you!"
I don't really judge. To each his own. You like what you like. If you want someone who's big-boned and you like that, ain't nothing wrong with having a little extra meat on there. If you like them thin-boned, then thats okay too.
I don’t get the point of drug commercials. Like the thing with the frying pan and the egg. “This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?” Yeah, do I get bacon with this?
I took my AlDS test. You start reflecting... You start thinking about every nasty, skank-ass... It's like the movie Scrooge, and the Ghost of Pussy Past comes.
Once I saw a homeless man wearing his underwear on top of his pants. Now we say, why don’t the homeless just go out and get a job? If he’s wearing his underwear on top of his pants, I doubt his resume is in order, and I don’t think he’s going to make it too far in the interview process. In fact, I’m pretty sure that McDonald’s has a no underwear over your pant policy.