Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 86
The banjo is such a happy instrument - you can't play a sad song on the banjo - it always comes out so cheerful.
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
It’s our first date but I don’t want to go on a date. I wanted to do it in the daylight with animals so it couldn’t be misconstrued as anything in case he’s the worst.
Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?
Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.
Most people think I'm Danny Glover's son when they meet me. So when they ask, I say 'No, I'm Crispin Glover's son.' Then we stare at each other for a long time.
Then I get there and I swear - it's San Jose, CA - there's 2,000 Mexicans. And you know you're half-Mexican when you walk in and you're like, 'Damn. This is a lot of Mexicans. Only half of me is the only white guy here.'
You ever get sick and one of your friends gives you medical advice? And they tell you that they're not a doctor - like you didn't know it?
My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.
You feel like such a dirty whore buying plan b. It is so embarrassing because it’s over the counter but you have to ask you pharmacist, and they know what you want but they make you ask. They’re lookin’ at me, I’m like, you see where my eyeliner is just give it to me.
The Yugo has come out with a very clever antitheft device. They made their name bigger.
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
Sometimes when I watch porn I get my hoodie on so I feel creepier. Sometimes I get under computer so it feels like I’m spying on her.