Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 85
Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them.
Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.
The Police report said they stabbed this guy 51 times, bludgeoned him in the head with a heavy object 13 times and they shot him twice, so I figure this guy's by the door on the way out going, "You don't have to leave yet, do you? You haven't shoved a chainsaw up my ass yet! My head's still on my torso! I'm glad you fuckers can handle your high!"
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
I don’t litter. I don’t throw garbage in the street. Not because I care about the Earth. But I’m afraid I’m going to be walking through the park drinking a soda and when I’m done, I just throw it over my shoulder, it’ll fly over a bush and land on some dead white woman’s head with my fingerprints on the can. Now I’m the Pepsi-Cola Rapist because I’m lazy.
I'm not a girl, I'm a guy you know? But at the same time, I tell ya how you can solve this abortion issue right now. Ready? Those unwanted babies that single moms leave in alleys and in dumpsters? Leave about 12 of those on the steps of The Supreme Court. This is over. Like that. "You guys said we had to have them? Then you guys... fucking raise 'em." "Raise 'em then, you fucking fucking raise 'em. You raise 'em. You said I had to have it? Then it's yours. Fuck. It's yours... Take it."
Elvis is just a young, clean-cut American boy who does in public what everybody else does in private.
The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in "Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire" and the computer will say, "Specify type of goat".
What a curse it must be being a bisexual. Can you imagine wanting to fuck everybody you meet?!
I feel like Adam when he said to Eve, "Back up, I don't know how big this gets."
I never saw Lenny Bruce, but I know all about him. I heard every tape. I’ve talked with his mother. His daughter is like a sister to me. Can you imagine missing someone you never knew?
It's work having a vagina. Guys don't think that its work but it is. You think it shows up like that to the event? It doesn't. Every night it's like getting it ready for its first Quinceanera, believe me.
Now, each baby is different, but this baby, whom we will call Hypothetical...