Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 85
We can all sleep easy at night knowing that somewhere at any given time, the Foo Fighters are out there fighting Foo.
How you gonna have racism in a country that don’t belong to nobody… Ain’t nobody belong here. You got people going “Go home!” You go home too. You ain’t from here. Go home.
Why do they call 'em 'buildings' when they're done building 'em? They ought to be called 'builts.' Or, 'crumblings.' 'I live in that crumbling over there.'
I saw this one - it was for cat food - at the end of it, it says, 'All natural food for your cat.' All natural food? But cat food's made out of horse meat. Yeah, that's the way it works in nature: the cat, right above the horse in the food chain.
2 minutes in heaven is better than 1 minute in heaven.
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the fuck up"!
It’s not fucking ADD I’m thinking. I’m thinking about things that are more interesting than you. I’m trying to build the perfect utopian society in my head and you’re talking to me about what? Fucking bowling, I don’t give a shit.
I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.
I don't really judge. To each his own. You like what you like. If you want someone who's big-boned and you like that, ain't nothing wrong with having a little extra meat on there. If you like them thin-boned, then thats okay too.
My mother ran in the bathroom, see my big brother sitting in the bathroom with a piece of shit in his hand in the tub, I was laying in the bottom of the water with blood gushing out my eye, G.I. Joe up my ass. My mother's like, "What the fuck going on in here?"