Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 85

My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.

I was eating some pizza and I burnt the roof of my mouth. Then I thought, “wait a minute, this is the ceiling of my mouth.”

Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal.

Sometimes a little brain damage can help.

I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.

I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.

I don’t do up. Sit-ups. Push-ups. Pull-ups. I do downs. Sit down. Lay down. Blackjack, I’ll double down. Give me a cheeseburger, I’ll wolf it down. Put on a little music, I’ll boogie down.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the fuck up"!

Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage.

Showbiz is great if you're successful.

Why do they call 'em 'buildings' when they're done building 'em? They ought to be called 'builts.' Or, 'crumblings.' 'I live in that crumbling over there.'

It’s not fucking ADD I’m thinking. I’m thinking about things that are more interesting than you. I’m trying to build the perfect utopian society in my head and you’re talking to me about what? Fucking bowling, I don’t give a shit.

2 minutes in heaven is better than 1 minute in heaven.

You ever get sick and one of your friends gives you medical advice? And they tell you that they're not a doctor - like you didn't know it?

I don't really judge. To each his own. You like what you like. If you want someone who's big-boned and you like that, ain't nothing wrong with having a little extra meat on there. If you like them thin-boned, then thats okay too.