Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 85

Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.

We can all sleep easy at night knowing that somewhere at any given time, the Foo Fighters are out there fighting Foo.

Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage.

I want to be a bloated alcoholic. That's my goal - it is, I'm serious, because there is no other disease that is more fun than alcoholism. I know it has its downside, but I'll tell you, there's no other party disease like alcohol.

Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal.

Whoever said "life without love isn't worth living" didn't own an iPhone. These things are great.

2 minutes in heaven is better than 1 minute in heaven.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Why do they call 'em 'buildings' when they're done building 'em? They ought to be called 'builts.' Or, 'crumblings.' 'I live in that crumbling over there.'

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.

Then I get there and I swear - it's San Jose, CA - there's 2,000 Mexicans. And you know you're half-Mexican when you walk in and you're like, 'Damn. This is a lot of Mexicans. Only half of me is the only white guy here.'

I think about my girlfriend's abortion whenever I pass by a school. Or the playground where she had the abortion.

You feel like such a dirty whore buying plan b. It is so embarrassing because it’s over the counter but you have to ask you pharmacist, and they know what you want but they make you ask. They’re lookin’ at me, I’m like, you see where my eyeliner is just give it to me.

You get to a philosophy after a while that everything is sort of cycling in a way. You know I have a sort of capsulized philosophy that your success is so relative. When you’re a baby success is not wetting your bed. When you’re a teenager success is going all the way. When you’re a young man success is making money. When you are middle aged success is being happy. When you’re an old man success is going all the way. And when you’re really old it’s not wetting your bed.