Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 88
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
You ever get sick and one of your friends gives you medical advice? And they tell you that they're not a doctor - like you didn't know it?
I took a speed reading course and my speed shot up to 43 pages a minute, but my comprehension plummeted.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
Health food would seem healthier if the people that sold it looked less unhealthy.
Gay people invented sports. Think about it. Boxing. Two topless men... in silk shorts... fighting over a belt and a purse.
I like church though. Church was a reminder there was something worse than school.
Ideally, you want to be in a fifty-fifty power-sharing arrangement with the audience – both of you are there for a mutually enjoyable experience.
I think about my girlfriend's abortion whenever I pass by a school. Or the playground where she had the abortion.
I learned this one growing up in Texas and, subsequently, living in Los Angeles: always use the 'usted' form when speaking to a Spanish official. Mexican border patrol cops don't like it when you call them 'amigo,' give them a hardy pat on the back, slip a $20 in their pocket. No bueno, it doesn't fly. By the way, those of you not laughing at that obviously took French in high school, and that was a gay choice.
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.
A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, "Everyone's got their tale of woe," and then turning around and saying, "Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail."