Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 88

I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the fuck up"!

Ideally, you want to be in a fifty-fifty power-sharing arrangement with the audience – both of you are there for a mutually enjoyable experience.

I took my AlDS test. You start reflecting... You start thinking about every nasty, skank-ass... It's like the movie Scrooge, and the Ghost of Pussy Past comes.

Fuck you all and suck my hundred million dollar cock!

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, "Everyone's got their tale of woe," and then turning around and saying, "Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail."

God sounds kinda like a shitty father to me. If God was so powerful why’d he have to give his son up? It sounds like God owed someone some money and they couldn’t get to him, so they murked his son. That’s what I really think happened. Jesus got stabbed up in an alley… but it’s easier to sell crucifixes. You can’t sell a pendant of someone getting shanked up In the alley. It’s a marketing scheme.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Once we used to have to crank up our cars, now you can pop it on from inside your house. Everything has changed except how we get freedom.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

Kurds are the most fucked people on Earth. You know that. They might as well change their name to the Fucks, 'cause they're fucked. "We used to be the Kurds, now we're the Fucks!"

I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing.

A guy say to me "are you gay?" and I say "bend over and let's find out".

I like church though. Church was a reminder there was something worse than school.

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."