Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 89
All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Our job is improving the quality of life not just delaying death.
Most people past college age are not atheists. It's too hard to be in society, for one thing. Because you don't get any days off. And if you're an agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not.
I want to be a bloated alcoholic. That's my goal - it is, I'm serious, because there is no other disease that is more fun than alcoholism. I know it has its downside, but I'll tell you, there's no other party disease like alcohol.
The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring us back our flag!
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) "It's the same sex all the time.”
The virus in the movie 'Contagion' is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I'm talking about President Obama.
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.'
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
If no-eye contact sex were a sport, I'm not saying I'd make it to the Olympics, but I like my chances.