Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 89
I was born in Sinaloa, Mexico, along with two of my siblings. The rest were born here in the United States. I didn’t know we were illegal until I was in the 8th grade. We would call other kids wetbacks, but we were the real wetbacks!
I sit down with my daughter and I said, "Do you know how babies get here?" And she said, "Well, the lady has an egg inside of her, and the man has sperm inside of him, and the sperm meets the egg, and that's how the lady gets pregnant." And I said, "Do you know how the sperm meets the egg?" She said, "Does the man pee on the woman?" I said, "Sometimes, but that's $35 extra."
The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. "Francis" was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of "Pope Boo Boo."
Ideally, you want to be in a fifty-fifty power-sharing arrangement with the audience – both of you are there for a mutually enjoyable experience.
Once we used to have to crank up our cars, now you can pop it on from inside your house. Everything has changed except how we get freedom.
I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Here are the values that I stand for: honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you want to be treated and helping those in need. To me, those are traditional values.
Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
How to survive boarding school. Do not express emotion, do not feel emotion, do not have emotion. If someone hits you, hit them back, if someone argues with you, argue back, never give in an inch, never look vulnerable and you will survive.
Oh the abortion issue, it's a woman's issue. When a woman get pregnant, she don't want to hear shit from the man. Fuck you, motherfuck you, I don't need you. Unless she decides to have the baby and she's like, "Where my check?"
We weren’t allowed to have any sugary cereals as a kid. The two cereals we were allowed to have were Cheerios and Kix. And Cheerios is, like, cardboard doo-doo. And Kix is kinda like the handjob of cereals… cause it’s like, "this is pretty good… but you know what I really want…"