Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 89

I’m in magazines full of model teens so far above you. So, read them and hate yourself and pay me to tell you I love you. And the parents always come along, cause their little girl is in love, and how could love be wrong?

I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing.

This is how you answer a door in my neighborhood. WHO IS IT?

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn’t give her a fancy gift. And I didn’t.

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

Fame is like a big eraser. It's strange, now that I'm famous. In my parents' opinion, all the shitty things - all the wreckage of my past - is erased. Now it's like I was never the kid who got arrested. Now I'm a wonderful son.

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

Everybody's a racist. It's the one human trait that makes us all exactly the same. Deep down, we only like people who are exactly like us. And it doesn't matter. White. Black. Red. Yellow. Purple, uh oh, the purple people, are the worst. Man. All prejudiced and birth marky. But, we've got to learn to get past our differences. I learned that at the museum of tolerance. After my dad beat the crap out of a guy over a parking spot.

I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

She stood in line and got cut. Tried out, got cut. Loved art but the budget got cut. Then she got numb then she only felt when she knelt and cut!