Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 882

I'm big on facial expressions, and I'm big on mannerisms, which I find to be hilarious.

I come from a very big family... nine parents.

In India, grown ass men, GROWN ASS MEN, hold hands with other men and walk down the street as if everythings ok. And they dont just hold hands, they are holding fucking pinkies and SWINGING that shit.

Lady’s like, “Sorry sir, we don’t have Internet service in all our hotel rooms. But don’t worry, we have free wireless in the lobby.”

[responding to scattered audience applause] Ah, lovely: the ripple, the ripple there. That's nearly the Zen clap of acceptance there, wasn't it?

But the two of them together, broke my heart. Olympia and Peter, those scenes... When they're kissing in their 20s and then kissing in their 70s, that's what it is. And they had never met five minutes before they shot those scenes.

Our record doesn't show it, but we are getting better.

There's something that happens in that delivery room, when a woman becomes ten times more a woman, and a guy becomes six times less a man. You feel really dopey and useless and like a spectator. I did, anyway.

Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

Okra is the closest thing to nylon I`ve ever eaten. It`s like they bred cotton with a green bean. Okra, tastes like snot. The more you cook it, the more it turns into string.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

Over the years I've received thousands of e-mails looking for guidance. Some have real problems; some talk about monkeys and poo - though those people may also have real problems.