Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 882
“Because he wrote it in Sarcastica! If he had enjoyed himself, he would have used Good Times Roman.”
If Arnold is elected, you know who I'd feel sorry for? The people on death row. Imagine, you're about to be executed, the governor calls, you think it's your reprieve, and you hear 'Hasta la vista, baby.'
I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.
I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
Now here's what I'm saying: I've always believed that every other month we hear about compromisation of bank records, I think that's the CIA and the FBI. Now let me tell you why I'm saying this. I don't believe no insignificant pip-squeak is going to be able to pull this off month after month and we can't find out what's going on.
I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!
Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!
I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.
I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. "Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff." Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.