Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 882
What do you think you should do if you’re attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that’s a lie promoted by the bears.
I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
I listened to Jack Benny on the radio last night, he was so funny I dropped my pad and pencil.
Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.
It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film.
I was told by the doctor that I was infertile and I couldn't have children, 3 weeks after that he told me that my girlfriend was pregnant....who's the daddy?
Fang said if they had used my figure for the hourglass, the day would be very short.
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
I talked about everything, man. I’ve always written material that everyone can laugh at. I talked about growing up. I did a lot of physical comedy. That was my thing. I was a physical comedian. I did anything and everything from running on a treadmill, I can paint a picture on stage of anything.
You have to take the basics of feminism and the kind of outline of it and do what you do with it. You have to make things work for your own life.
What's happened is somewhere, along the line, as a society, we confused the notion of 'home' with the possibility of 'an investment opportunity'. What kind of creature wants to live in an 'investment opportunity'? Only man. The fox has his den. The bee has his hive. The stoat, has, uh... his stoat-hole... but only man chooses to make his nest in an investment opportunity. Mmm, snuggled down in the lovely credit! All warm, in the mortgage payment, mmmmm...
We got no Whoppers. You kids quit screwin' around. We got no Whoppers here. Don't make me come out there.