Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 892

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife. And Five Drink Mike...dances with wildlife...

I was raped by a doctor. Which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl…

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

FEMA I always thought was a bone here in your ass.

It seemed like a funny thing to do! I thought we could maybe get on the ticket of the Libertarian Party. But people were either amused or horrified at the idea of me representing their party.

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door...

I am an evil Giraffe.

I wear ear condoms. I don't even want to listen to what I might be contracting.

The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick.

Everyone should think for themselves. I learned that in a book I bought called 'Everyone Should Think For Themselves'.