Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 892
There are three things Jewish people worship - God, Chinese food and wall-to-wall carpeting.
You don't run into ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends when you're looking good and want to. Last time I ran into an ex-boyfriend was at three o'clock in the morning at Rite Aid, as I'm ringing up Gas X and corn removers. And I'm like, 'Hey, you. What's up? These are for my grandmother, that old bitch.' He's like, 'Aren't they both dead?' I'm like, 'One of them came back, OK? And she's sick.'
Because sometimes ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX NEWS, MSNBC, CNN, HEADLINE NEWS, CSPAN, and CSPAN 2 just aren't enough.
Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.
Being white is a job in America. You take that away, you better get the soldiers out.
The Jackass movies are honestly some of the best movies I've ever seen. I laugh so hard at them. Those guys are geniuses. If they had grown up with a different group of people, they could've been performance artists at Bard College, and people would be writing papers about them.
Most comics worship music on some level. It's more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh.
Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a "with" in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.
One time I put a WWJD bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist. It burned his skin. He threw it on the ground and it turned into a snake. We both laughed. We hate snakes. We think snakes are slimy, even though we know they're not.
We had the real rednecks where I grew up. The kind of guys that can use the N-word and “Jesus” in the same sentence and mean ‘em both.
I think it's easier for African American and white comics to be praised than it is Latinos because they think our culture or our humor is substandard. I mean, I just don't think they want to give us credit. I just don't think that they see us as important enough to be at their level. I'm the longest-produced comedy at Warner Bros. and I don't feel special. They come over and say hello. But everybody's gonna make a lot of money and I don't feel like I'm special to them.
I don't know if you know about pilots. The way in which our country generates television, they take one episode, one, and then they take that episode, produce it, and show it to a room filled with monkeys. And if the monkeys don't shit themselves, you might have a hit!
If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.