Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 908
Children are like poems. They're beautiful - to their creators - but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
When a girl’s a screamer during sex, she’s either positive or negative. “Yes! Yes! Yes!” or the complete opposite, “No! No! No!” Just once, I want to hear a girl right in the middle. “Maybe! Maybe! Maybe!”
I view a visit to the therapist in much the same way that I view a visit to the hairdresser. When I leave the office, my head looks great. Around an hour later it’s all fucked up and I can’t get it to look that way again on my own.
I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do you guys hate me?"
People in Iceland must be into some pretty freaky shit if they can't find a single virgin to throw into that volcano.
You know, I live a monastic lifestyle. No, I do. I do live in extremes, basically. I go back and forth. Once every six months, I'll have a day where I eat more chocolate than has ever been consumed by a human being.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.