Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 908
I think my wife puts up with me ‘cause I try. I think that’s all any guy can do is just try. That’s right! ‘Cause we ain’t never gunna get it. ‘Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It’s like this memo goes out, ‘they’re getting close, change it, change it!’
It is our swan song, and winning kind of symbolizes the closure at the end, and I miss it already. I'm gonna go bawl now.
The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.
The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife. And Five Drink Mike...dances with wildlife...
My grandmother was a Jewish juggler: she used to worry about six things at once.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
I view a visit to the therapist in much the same way that I view a visit to the hairdresser. When I leave the office, my head looks great. Around an hour later it’s all fucked up and I can’t get it to look that way again on my own.
Man's inhumanity toward man is astounding, and I'm just talking about the lineup at certain comedy clubs.
I was in New York City, performing at an epilepsy benefit. Had ‘em rolling in the aisles.
‘I’m a gangsta, and gangstas don’t ask questions.’…yes they do ask questions! I thought that was a main point of being a gangster…’Hey, muthafucka, where’s my money??’ that’s a question…”Do you want to die tonight??’ that’s a question too…’what?what?’ That’s two questions.