Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 907

I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.

I'm sorry, those pictures from the Abu Ghraib. At first, they, like infuriated me, I was sad. Then like, a couple days later, after they cut the guy's head off, they didn't seem like much. And now, I like to trade them with my friends.

I'm never proper or careful, but I never curse in front of my mother, either.

If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.

So, I used to be a music teacher. I used to teach K-5 music here in New York City. I taught the recorder. Are you guys familiar with Satan's little flute? If there's music in Hell, I assure you, it is played on a recorder.

I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party.

Sometimes people offer you plays, they offer you parts, but they only offer it because I'm famous.

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.

Most people are not particularly good at anything.

I've had it where things didn't go well for me with movies or something that got canceled.

There's a whole segment of the population with a mentality that bases good times on where they can go and what they can buy.

[Worst Thing to Hear Over a Tannoy System] Ladies and gentlemen, we all know there will be a bomb on the Tube… but will it be today?

I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.

I often warn people: somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, "There is no "I" in team." What you should tell them is, "Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity."

I may not be smart enough to debate you point-for-point on this, but I have the feeling about 60% of what you say is crap.