Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 907
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"
You can’t make something beautiful by trying to make something beautiful. Something becomes beautiful in the process of trying to be something else.
It's unbelievable. People are so desperate to get home. The trains come very regularly, you see them, one minute, two minutes, three minutes... this means nothing to people. As soon as you get on the platform it's a level playing field. I don't care when you arrived, I'm getting on this train.
Like most sharks, Margaret liked to think of herself as a victim of the cruel sea.
At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis.
Children are like poems. They're beautiful - to their creators - but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying.
My grandmother was a Jewish juggler: she used to worry about six things at once.
When a girl’s a screamer during sex, she’s either positive or negative. “Yes! Yes! Yes!” or the complete opposite, “No! No! No!” Just once, I want to hear a girl right in the middle. “Maybe! Maybe! Maybe!”
When I'm sick I don't shake hands. I say hello by putting my fingers in your mouth.
Even at home, on my stationary exercise bike, I have a rearview mirror.
You might be a redneck if your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.