Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 907

For the first time ever, women are scoring higher than men on IQ tests. Scientists say it has something to do with breast implants - not that it makes the women smarter, it just makes the men dumber.

People make plans and God laughs. Why? What's wrong with people making plans? Why don't you just grow the fuck up, you big, fake jerk.

Some people take the spelling bee very seriously. These people are called "parents of children in the spelling bee." They're trying to make up for their own childhood of crushed dreams and misspelled words.

Supreme Court says pornography is any act that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thoughts… Hmm… sounds like almost every commercial on TV to me. You know when I see those two twins on that Doublemint commercial… I ain’t thinking about gum.

I may not be smart enough to debate you point-for-point on this, but I have the feeling about 60% of what you say is crap.

You break up with us, we get drunk and then stand on your lawn, and then a cop comes. I'll be like, 'Oh, this is over! I get it. It's over. Gotcha.'

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

I'm TV's Craig Ferguson, please sit down relax and: "take off your pants"; "dip your hand into a bowl of warm water and fall fast asleep"; etc.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis.

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!

Twitter seems like a busman’s holiday: just more writing. I have no plans to do it. I’ll just stick with my 24/7 webcam. I’m old-fashioned that way.

But, you know, you can't be a star at home.

What is a home without children? Quiet.