Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 909
Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.
You might be a redneck if your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
How great if, as well as creating life in their womb, a woman could use her vagina to make hot fudge sundaes.
I don't roll like that but I've never been with a hooker either. Yeah, that's good to say in an interview cause I feel bad a little because people grew up watching me and that's a little disturbing.
After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.
Next Fall Dr. Drew has a new show coming out: Overdosing with the Stars.
Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.
King Soloman, who said to his thousand wives, "Who hasn't got a headache?" Never got a dinner!
I'm trying to be the Jay-Z of comedy one day. I don't know if there's any comedy moguls out there, but I would love to be the first comedy mogul.
I'm feeling so good. I feel like a million bucks. I'm focused, I'm alert, I'm zippy and top of my game. I've never felt better! I'm sharp as a tack right now. And what's weird is that I didn't get a good nights sleep last night. And they say that's the most important thing. Or is it breakfast they said? That's the most important meal of the day, breakfast... yes. And then it's 'i' before 'e' I know that. Um... diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dog is a man's best friend.. What was I talking about? Oh, that's right, that I feel great and I'm at the top of my game. And it's odd because I didn't get hardly any sleep last night. And, they say that's the most important thing.
The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.
Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
Nobody talks about sex in Scotland. Scottish gynecologists don't even talk about sex. It's just like: 'Get up on the table there, Mrs. Henderson. Lift up your skirt. We'll take a look at your magic baby door.'
As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.