Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 909

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

That's insanity. We must be good all the time.

Yesterday the Iraqis and U. S. troops pulled down a giant statue of Saddam Hussein. They pull it down and it lands right on top of Geraldo.

I told my neighbor I was going to be on the Conan O'Brien Show, and he was like, "Yeah, right." I said, "No, I am." He goes, "So do something only you and I would understand." *looks into camera and stops playing piano* I know you stole my rake.

I'm still enjoying the single life. Went down to Mardi Gras a couple years ago, that was fun. I went with a buddy of mine. There were some girls up in a balcony. A chant goes up: 'Show your tits.' I joined the chant because I support the cause. The girls show 'em, we threw up some beads -- I figured that's the end of the transaction. Turns out they reciprocate with a chant of their own: 'We want cock.' What do you do? Turns out, I had some cock on me -- unfasten, unbutton, unzip -- beads showering down on me. Best moment of my entire life -- cut short: handcuffed, thrown against the wall. My friend runs off, but manages to get a picture before he does. I don't know a lot about prison, but I do know, handcuffed, with your pants down, covered in beads, is not a good way to arrive.

She is nearing forty and not so easily forgiven as when her skin bloomed like roses.

Ninety percent of a shirt that not only was bright purple and green but with a design on it that, if you moved too quickly, might cause a seizure in an unsuspecting onlooker.

I voted for Kerry, and I'm still getting e-mails from him, too. It's kind of pathetic, like, 'There's still work to be done.' Yeah, there is: delete.

And for you kids watching at home, remember, the less homework you do and the closer you sit to the TV, the more points you get.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

A free book that comes to my house full of nothing but women in their underwear? God Bless America!

You might be a redneck if you have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

It was raining cats and dogs, and I fell in a poodle.

My name is Adam. My father’s name is Adam. Having the same name as your father, it’s alright until your voice changes. My friends would always call up, “Is Adam there?” My father would say, “This is Adam.” My friends would say, “Adam, you were so wasted last night.”

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn’t even have attempted it.