Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 918

You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I’m the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.

The hardest working person in showbusiness has never been or ever will be a 'famous person'.

The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it.

Valuable people are undervalued.

I'm sorry, those pictures from the Abu Ghraib. At first, they, like infuriated me, I was sad. Then like, a couple days later, after they cut the guy's head off, they didn't seem like much. And now, I like to trade them with my friends.

So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.

Men hate to lose. I beat my husband once at tennis. I asked him, "Will we ever make love again?" He said, "Yes.... but not with each other."

I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."

With a cheery delicacy she divided my obsessions into three categories: acceptable, unacceptable, and hilarious.

All my wife wanted for Valentine’s Day was a little card – American Express.

A free book that comes to my house full of nothing but women in their underwear? God Bless America!

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

Ladies, you can do porn, or you can be someone who isn't summarily dismissed as a psychopath, but you can't do both.

For the first time ever, women are scoring higher than men on IQ tests. Scientists say it has something to do with breast implants - not that it makes the women smarter, it just makes the men dumber.