Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 918

It’s too difficult to convey tone in electronic communication. And we can solve this my friends. All we need is some new fonts.

Just to be on the front row here is a bit of a prize in itself.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was shout for help.

I bought a portable cable TV.

I'm going to be going to a secluded spot where no one can find me - NBC prime time.

Hey, here's a tip for you: The next time you have the world by the balls, don't twist them.

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.

Ah... so many pedestrians, so little time...

I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It’s like a child dizzy off lemonade

I'm a one-man idiot.

With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: ‘He looked really well in that final video.’ I was, like: ‘No, he didn’t – he looked like someone had melted goat’s cheese over a sex doll.’