Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 922
Don't you think that being a person of faith has become a third rail in American politics? If you want to run for president nowadays, you'd better get out there and say you're a very faith-based person.
Your average person wouldn't recognize a sublime entity if it attempted to fist fuck them while waiting in line for the next Batman sequel.
I should be European, man. I'm long and lean. I'd look good in a trench coat.
The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.
In the lobby before the show some guy’s like, “Jeff, your eyes look red. Are you stoned?” I’m like, “Dude, it’s my allergies.” He goes, “What are you allergic to?” “Pot”
Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote.
I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
Even John's dick has a great hairline. On "Full House," John's dick had a mullet.
"What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'"
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a part of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as "a stroke of luck". Of course, by "luck" they mean "horrible paralysis."