Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 922
I was one of those kids that finished school early… by dropping out.
I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.
I went on a hardcore drinking and smoking binge. It lasted right about nine months. And then as soon as I was born, I was like, “Do not go in there.”
Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'
Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.
I should be European, man. I'm long and lean. I'd look good in a trench coat.
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
If you're keeping score at home, they have now applauded executions at the Republican debate, they have cheered letting an uninsured man die, and they booed an active duty U.S. serviceman for being gay. I don’t know how you get to the right with this crowd but Ron Paul’s new campaign ad is just the Rodney King beating to the sound of children laughing.
I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
Improv relies just as much on listening as it does you delivering dialogue. That's the hard for some people. Some people just concentrate on what they're going to say, and they're not listening. You have to listen in order to see where the other person is going to.
You could be a genius -- you try to write a postcard, you come across like a moron anyway. It's always like, 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.
It is not the big events that hurt the most but rather the smallest questionable shift in tone at the end of a spoken word that can plow most deeply into the heart.