Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 922
I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.
"Normally you have news, weather and travel…..but not on snow day, on snow day news is weather is travel.” (Talking about the heavy snow in Britain.)
So if there are any ladies out there who fancy a little Emo action... well... I don't want to blow my own horn... Which is why I'm making this offer tonight.
They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.
I know her in the biblical sense…and when I say that, I mean I don’t believe a word she says.
Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.'
We always feel better in anticipation. You don't think about something and think "Aw, it's gonna be shitty." No! You say "This is gonna be the greatest weekend ever! Sonuvabitch!" And then, by Monday, you're throwing up and you're thinking "You know, I always thought those guys were pricks!"
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: ‘He looked really well in that final video.’ I was, like: ‘No, he didn’t – he looked like someone had melted goat’s cheese over a sex doll.’
50 years: here's a time when you have to separate yourself from what other people expect of you, and do what you love. Because if you find yourself 50 years old and you aren't doing what you love, then what's the point?
Next Fall Dr. Drew has a new show coming out: Overdosing with the Stars.
Newsweek reported that 87 Congressman are currently having affairs. In fact, that is why they have roll call ever morning, to see who is back from the motel. Last call Kennedy! I know these guys like to poll their constituents but this is ridiculous.