Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 922
There are packs of baboons running around Africa that take better care of themselves than we do. You know what health insurance is for me? I've got Band-Aids in my car.
I was one of those kids that finished school early… by dropping out.
How great if, as well as creating life in their womb, a woman could use her vagina to make hot fudge sundaes.
Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit"
You might be a redneck if you've sat on the toilet until your legs fell asleep.
Amazon has included me in an opportunity to provide top-shelf television-style programming live on the world's computer screens. To hold forth with the industry's very best actors, directors, musicians, authors - I'm thrilled to be on the cutting edge of this.
The House okayed the gasoline tax cut, which will increase the deficit, line the pockets of the oil companies, and hurt the environment; Dole said that if there was just some way this could interfere with people's sex lives, it would be perfect legislation.
Breaking News : Prince Harry met some children yesterday who`d been blown up in landmines. "How do you cope being legless everyday?" the kids asked Harry.
That's ended, that's over. I want you to meet my pimps. I thought, I'm a show-business ho already, so I might as well be a real ho.
Spielberg is so powerful he had final cut at his own circumsision.
In New York, we're out of road salt. So for the next big storm they have to use parmesan cheese.