Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 923

You gotta live life before you can talk about it. Sometimes when things don't work out in life, they work out on stage.

Even John's dick has a great hairline. On "Full House," John's dick had a mullet.

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

My first day as a woman and I am already having hot flushes.

Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as "a stroke of luck". Of course, by "luck" they mean "horrible paralysis."

I'm feeling so good. I feel like a million bucks. I'm focused, I'm alert, I'm zippy and top of my game. I've never felt better! I'm sharp as a tack right now. And what's weird is that I didn't get a good nights sleep last night. And they say that's the most important thing. Or is it breakfast they said? That's the most important meal of the day, breakfast... yes. And then it's 'i' before 'e' I know that. Um... diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dog is a man's best friend.. What was I talking about? Oh, that's right, that I feel great and I'm at the top of my game. And it's odd because I didn't get hardly any sleep last night. And, they say that's the most important thing.

Ma’am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?

When I find out a hotel doesn't have a DSL, it's like "What? There's no toilet?" Once you get used to high speed you ain’t going back.

I've done 10 or 11 pilots for network television, which is ridiculous.

I don't think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.

Improv relies just as much on listening as it does you delivering dialogue. That's the hard for some people. Some people just concentrate on what they're going to say, and they're not listening. You have to listen in order to see where the other person is going to.

That's how I meet new men. The minute it says 'Sadie Schwartz' I know, 'Go to that funeral.'

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

One of the suckiest and most frustrating facts of life is that sometimes relationship just end, often without reason. I truly believe that sometimes both men and women simply run out of love, even when there was a lot of it in the beginning.

If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you.