Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 923

My wife and I have been together for 11 years, and seven of those married. We got married on 07/07/07. We support each other 150 percent. We have fun. We are a modern-day Sonny & Cher. I don’t sing. My wife sings. We’re so different, but so alike. We got that ying and yang thing going on. You see it, but you don’t know how it works.

My fans are pretty normal, they are always really nice and polite, and they don't interrupt my meals.

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

I noticed recently, in the last few shows I did, that I'm starting to get people - not a large group, but quite a few people - who come to see me because they love Curb Your Enthusiasm.

I don’t know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I’ve toured with a lot of comedians and it’s never been like it is for a rock band.

I don't talk soft, that's that other dude.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

A man who correctly guesses a woman`s age may be smart, but he`s not very bright.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

What's true in our minds is true, whether some people know it or not.

How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?

It was easier to sell a painting that was not for sale.

You might be a redneck if your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?

For months there have been rumors that J.Lo is finally pregnant with Marc Anthony’s baby. She was afraid it might never happen. I’m afraid it’s going to look like Marc Anthony...