Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 923

If he's unsure, then he's unsure, and that's an answer - unsure is 'no.' The phrase 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you' really is this. The first 'I love you' means, 'I don't want to hurt you.' The second one means, 'I'm not in love with you.' That's bad news. 'I'm not in love with you' is 'I'm not in love with you.'

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

Have a little fun.

I noticed recently, in the last few shows I did, that I'm starting to get people - not a large group, but quite a few people - who come to see me because they love Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead.

Get the right to marry - and then don’t.

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

The summit, which is set up to educate people about managing their money and protecting their income, leads to empowerment of self, for which this summit needs to be applauded.

I grew up poor… I grew up the baby of eight kids. We grew up in a two bedroom house. Mama didn’t have to worry about a curfew. You came up late, you didn’t have a bed.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Yesterday the Iraqis and U. S. troops pulled down a giant statue of Saddam Hussein. They pull it down and it lands right on top of Geraldo.

It was easier to sell a painting that was not for sale.

I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party.

I’m the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.