Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 924
I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.
The currency of this show is your own head. They've established a certain structure here, but it's still in evolution.
I don't like throwing myself in a place that's going to rock my world.
I've no desire to hang around with a bunch of upper-class delinquents, do twenty minutes' work and then spend the rest of the day loafing about in Paris drinking gallons of champagne and having dozens of moist, pink, highly experienced French peasant girls galloping up and down my - hang on...
My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.
Better not think too much. Relying more on the body: it is more trustworthy.
They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
You ever in a relationship you argue so much that how you remember where you were? “Didn’t we argue here once? Didn’t you threaten to walk home?”
And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.
How great if, as well as creating life in their womb, a woman could use her vagina to make hot fudge sundaes.
I feel like a divorced woman in her 40s, all I need is some cat hair and it’ll be complete.
Don't you think that being a person of faith has become a third rail in American politics? If you want to run for president nowadays, you'd better get out there and say you're a very faith-based person.