Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 924
There are three things Jewish people worship - God, Chinese food and wall-to-wall carpeting.
When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.
While my fervent hope is we can get the entire amount. I think we need to have some idea what we would lose.
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur.
Is it just me, or is he the greasiest nigga you ever seen in your life? Every time Jermaine comes on, I gotta wipe the grease off the screen! Can't see shit! Jermaine must have been on. Even the police can't catch his ass, 'cause every time they try, he just slips out! They be like, "Somebody throw some sand on that nigga! Please!"
They call me "Good Time Emo". Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
While I was doing stand-up, I thought I knew for sure that success meant getting everyone to like me. So I became whoever I thought people wanted me to be. I'd say yes when I wanted to say no, and I even wore a few dresses.
For some reason I did something where I realized I could get a reaction. That was when I broke out of my shell at school, because I really didn't have any friends or anything like that and I just kind of was going along, and then finally I did this zany thing, and all of a sudden I had tons of friends.
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!
It's getting harder and harder to differentiate between schizophrenics and people talking on a cell phone. It still brings me up short to walk by somebody who appears to be talking to themselves.
If I had butterscotch pants and a cheetah sweater... I'd be just fine.
You can have good writing, but a great actor will make it feel and sound like great writing. You can have great writing, and mediocre actors will make it feel mediocre. Without the actors, you have nothing.