Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 924
If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you.
I love the guys who say "I watch NASCAR for the racing." Yeah, and I watch porn for the acting. You liar!
My wife and I have been together for 11 years, and seven of those married. We got married on 07/07/07. We support each other 150 percent. We have fun. We are a modern-day Sonny & Cher. I don’t sing. My wife sings. We’re so different, but so alike. We got that ying and yang thing going on. You see it, but you don’t know how it works.
I think real life reflects your movies. In your life, you pick stuff that influences what movie roles you wanna pick. I think if you've got an interesting life, you wanna do interesting movies about interesting things.
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Try not to be four years into a relationship when it suddenly dawns on you that the guy you're with is a big, selfish jerk.
My wife can’t figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who’s had everything up to here?
The towers fell, and the first thing that went through my head was my dad's voice: 'Well, you brought a new life into the world, and the world's over. Nice timing, numbnuts!'
The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."
Tonight we set aside petty differences, forget old feuds and start new ones.
I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.
The Australian comedy circuit is kind of small, and big in the most inconvenient ways. There aren't many venues, and the ones we have are hundreds of miles apart and separated by mountains. That's probably why so many of us come to the UK
I found out who the spirit was that designed the Winchester Mystery House. Helen Keller.