Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 929
I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
The N-Word. And everyone says, “Don’t say it again. We should put a moratorium on it, because it’s a bad word.”... You see, it’s not bad to me because I don’t know any and I’ve never been one.
Apparently the only way to avoid a sudden agonising death, is to walk around in tights with a bottle of vinegar. I'd rather be fucking dead!
The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.
If you make love - if you're lucky enough to have a partner - let it out. Shriek like a baboon, man. I have this theory: at the moment of my conception, my mother shushed my father during his orgasm. It gave me low self-esteem.
Hey baby, are you being followed?.. Because I’ve been seeing people behind your back.
I'm trying to be the Jay-Z of comedy one day. I don't know if there's any comedy moguls out there, but I would love to be the first comedy mogul.
Last time you bring me pie, I cut into it, with my tiny pie cutter, and millions of birds flew out hitting me in the eyes and the temples...it was a trick pie!
I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.
Did you ever see the customers in health-food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific.
It's common courtesy; he's doing most of the work; you've got to encourage him.
An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.
When I first started doing comedy years ago, I used to be the biggest Michael Richards fan. I used to love this dude. He was on a TV show called 'Fridays,' and man, he was tall and lanky - and I was tall and lanky. I love physical comedy, and he was a physical comedian, and I said, 'Man, I love this guy.'