Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 929

I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.

At one time, Washington actually meant something. But now, it's about as relevant as Bob Dylan's tuning fork.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

Better than nothing is not good enough for you!

So, what are you in for? MANSLAUGHTER!!! I SLAUGHTERED A MAN!! JUST LIKE A PIG!!! PUT HIM ON A SPIT AND PUT AN APPLE IN HIS MOUTH!!!!

It was easier to sell a painting that was not for sale.

Repeat after me. I promise not to run outside of the house. I promise not to run inside of the house. I promise not to touch, pick up, step on, anything that looks interesting.

Oh, I hope we get to see a naked stranger.

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

If there is reincarnation and I come back as myself, I'll kill myself.

China is now expected to surpass Japan as the 2nd richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that’s only if we pay them the money we owe them, and that’s not going to happen.

My wife is impossible. It is only safe to wake her from a distance, like Portugal.

I don't get it, how does a guy look at his girlfriend without doubling over?

We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature... and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves.

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.