Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 930
Sometimes, to help someone you love, you have to commit a felony. But, you don't want to go to prison for that. "Hey, dude, what are you in for? Armed robbery? Murder?" And then, you have to say, "Love." And, that's definitely going to get you, you know, picked last for prison kick ball.
I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
I was reading the paper the other day because my neighbor got up late.
I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.
I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a bitch to fold it.
These people marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an education and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around.
Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.
Me and Abed have an agreement. If one of us dies, we stage it to look like a suicide due to the unjust cancellation of Firefly.
That is amazing! I mean these CEOs saying their own businesses are doing OK! I mean, it makes sense to take these CEOs word for it. For instance, I know O.J. Simpson. He told me he didn't kill anyone and he should know, he was there!
I told my neighbor I was going to be on the Conan O'Brien Show, and he was like, "Yeah, right." I said, "No, I am." He goes, "So do something only you and I would understand." *looks into camera and stops playing piano* I know you stole my rake.
If you want somebody to repair your roads, educate your kids, or purify your water supply, you may want to turn to private enterprise, but if you want massive fuckloads of your enemies wiped out in record time, Uncle Sam is the man for you.