Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 930
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.
Is global warming new? I don't know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot.
People make plans and God laughs. Why? What's wrong with people making plans? Why don't you just grow the fuck up, you big, fake jerk.
I’m a vulgar, fucked-up degenerate comedian who did drugs. And I’m connecting with Christian mothers and fathers. I love that. That means so much to me.
You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Is it a bad sign when you see the person you're dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you're rear view mirror?
If I were a gynecologist, I'd say things like, "Okay, enough of the small talk. Let's check under the hood".
Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!