Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 932

You can have good writing, but a great actor will make it feel and sound like great writing. You can have great writing, and mediocre actors will make it feel mediocre. Without the actors, you have nothing.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am all about money. I mean, just look how well my line of zodiac-inspired toe rings and homeopathic children’s medications are selling on Home Shopping Network.

I’ll do anything for my wife, it’s turning out.

If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there’d be headlines of ‘Russell How-hard’ in the newspapers.

I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.

Just ’cause you can’t control yours, don’t throw us all out!

We are so excited about adding additional incentives to the program. It gives them a fun reason to exercise and learn about geography as well.

Country hillbillies do the tobacco stuff in their lip. I don’t know what sensation it gives them. Maybe it helps them hate minorities better.

When I lived in New york, they always had these ethnic day parades. I would get envious… You never see a parade for me. You never see a one fourth English, one fourth French, one fourth Italian, one fourth you don’t know what the hell you really are parade. Hey, it’s confused bastard honkey day parade.

Your average person wouldn't recognize a sublime entity if it attempted to fist fuck them while waiting in line for the next Batman sequel.

George W. Bush went into a think tank this week and almost drowned.

The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping.

Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why, 'cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.