Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 932

We just jumped out and started shooting with the band, and then one thing led to another. You see it unfold in the movie, but by the end of just hanging with them we had decided, 'Why don't we have them come to Brooklyn?' It was pretty awesome.

I started having intimacy problems during my breast-feeding.

I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.

What's true in our minds is true, whether some people know it or not.

So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.

Does your wife ever look at you with a look that if your name wasn't on bills that need to be paid you'd be out the door?

I love standup and I haven't given it up.

So, what are you in for? MANSLAUGHTER!!! I SLAUGHTERED A MAN!! JUST LIKE A PIG!!! PUT HIM ON A SPIT AND PUT AN APPLE IN HIS MOUTH!!!!

I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.

Last Christmas, in my stocking there was an Odour-Eater.

I’m the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.

When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

China is now expected to surpass Japan as the 2nd richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that’s only if we pay them the money we owe them, and that’s not going to happen.

You might be a redneck if the first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "Hey!" or "How Y'all Doin'?"