Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 931

It was easier to sell a painting that was not for sale.

You might be a redneck if your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.

Capote, of course, addressed very similar themes to Good Night and Good Luck. Both films are about determined journalists defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, both are period pieces.

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

China is now expected to surpass Japan as the 2nd richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that’s only if we pay them the money we owe them, and that’s not going to happen.

You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.

“(reading email) ‘Great party Arj. Best party ever.’ What a jerk!”

Is global warming new? I don't know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot.

Let me tell you something about the porn industry... they're a little short on brains and a little high on coke, but they're scrappy.