Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 931
Country hillbillies do the tobacco stuff in their lip. I don’t know what sensation it gives them. Maybe it helps them hate minorities better.
I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
If your boss asks you why you're comin' in late, you say it's 'cause you stayed late.
There are people that really live by doing the right thing, but I don't know what that is, I'm really curious about that. I'm really curious about what people think they're doing when they're doing something evil, casually. I think it's really interesting, that we benefit from suffering so much, and we excuse ourselves from it.
I was in the park, pulling out stray nose hairs with my pliers. Those sleeping winos hate it when you do that.
And really almost like every TV star who loses his job. Now what am I going to do, everybody asks. What am I going to do now? Like every TV star before I’m going to find some crack. I’m going to get on the pipe. Lose that unwanted 110 pounds I’ve been trying to lose.
The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic.
I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.
Yeah, big deal! *points to scar on his stomach* See that? Straighteners, Nicky Clarke, hottest you can get. Fell asleep on them when I was pissed.
Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit"
I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.