Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 931

On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.

It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?

I'm just saying we can all work on our manners. We can say please and thank you. We can be punctual. We can just be nicer to one another. It's something we have in our power to do.

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.

When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me.

I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently...

Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.

You gotta live life before you can talk about it. Sometimes when things don't work out in life, they work out on stage.

Even John's dick has a great hairline. On "Full House," John's dick had a mullet.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

I remember my wife and I used to get on plane and see everybody else with their babies. They'd be putting strollers and car seats up above, and we'd think: Oh, please Lord, don't make us go through that.

You might be a redneck if you've sat on the toilet until your legs fell asleep.

I never go perform somewhere alone. I've done that since day one. I've always taken other comics with me.

When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from being walked on. You have to ride shotgun in their lives and protect them, because normal people, oh ho, easily manipulated. Oh, look over there, now look back. Oh, you so need me.