Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 933

(about cars) “I would say ‘has it got a cup holder, and will it make birds touch my cock?’”

She said, 'I'm your biggest fan,' and I said, 'Who are you?' She said, 'Paris Hilton.'

That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?

I suppose I grew up wishing I was an American Jew for the comedy and the one-liners. ... actress who does a Holocaust movie because, as she explains, it's a surefire way to finally win an Oscar.

I stopped having intimacy problems when my lovers did impressions of other women.

You can’t take everything that is offered to you. I pass on a lot of stuff, because I truly believe that I will shine better if I could do it 200 percent rather than do it 80 percent and make it so-so.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

I grew up poor… I grew up the baby of eight kids. We grew up in a two bedroom house. Mama didn’t have to worry about a curfew. You came up late, you didn’t have a bed.

Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Touch my vagina," and she's like, "What!" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say."

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?

[on using gym equipment] I always hate having to use the equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, you know like: CLANK! CLANK! "I'm the two plate guy!" CLANK! CLANK! "Anyone wanna spot me?" CLANK! CLANK!

It was easier to sell a painting that was not for sale.

You might be a redneck if your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.

Movies have takes. But plays are like life - you don't really get takes.