Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 933
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On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn’t keep in touch. They’re probably taxi drivers and accountants by now.
Whatever makes “Hey Ya” good, it is the evil side of that. It is the anti-matter to the matter of “Hey Ya.”
I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast.
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.
Going there is paying your dues. You always have to pay your dues... You've just got to do it. Maybe I come from a working family. Maybe it's the voice of my mom saying, 'You've always got to be nice to people.' I look at it as saying it's going to be fun. Those people are going to be really, really happy.
I may have been named 41st best stand-up, but my Mum still prefers Tom O’Connor.
Yesterday the Iraqis and U. S. troops pulled down a giant statue of Saddam Hussein. They pull it down and it lands right on top of Geraldo.
If I could rent someone else's subconscious occasionally maybe I could get a decent night's sleep.
In school I was never the class clown, but more the class trapeze artist, as I was always being suspended.
I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party.
Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's five o'clock in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."
She was nice to him on Valentine’s Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.