Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 933

While my fervent hope is we can get the entire amount. I think we need to have some idea what we would lose.

I'm a lesbian, an Aquarian, and a vegetarian.

In talking to girls I could never remember the right sequence of things to say. I'd meet a girl and say, "Hi, was it good for you too?" If a girl spent the night, I'd wake up in the morning and then try to get her drunk.

My biggest problem is retaining the exact information.

You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.

My friend has a weird relationship with his mother. She breast fed him until he was four. And since then he’s just taken it.

I've no desire to hang around with a bunch of upper-class delinquents, do twenty minutes' work and then spend the rest of the day loafing about in Paris drinking gallons of champagne and having dozens of moist, pink, highly experienced French peasant girls galloping up and down my - hang on...

Oh, something’s *always* wrong, Balders… the fact that I’m not a millionaire aristocrat, with the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino, is a constant niggle.

Like most sharks, Margaret liked to think of herself as a victim of the cruel sea.

You have to remember: the wife been home all day cleaning asses and feeding faces. Sometimes the opposite.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.

Twitter seems like a busman’s holiday: just more writing. I have no plans to do it. I’ll just stick with my 24/7 webcam. I’m old-fashioned that way.

When I'm sick I don't shake hands. I say hello by putting my fingers in your mouth.