Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 934
When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.
I hate how all the hip hop bands of today will put crazy sound effects into their songs. You know what I mean, like a police or ambulance siren in a tune? Because I could own the CD, I could listen to it 50 gamillion times in my car - I still fall for it every time.
I do like men and I had, you know, a guy in high school that I wanted to marry desperately. He's the mayor of some small town in Texas. I could be the mayor's wife right now.
I get bored easily, so I need to do a lot. I've started a record label, so I get to nurture new talent and talk about music, which is a passion of mine. I've written another book. And I get to come to work and do the TV show, which is always really fun.
I don’t want to get too fat. There’s that fat when you drop something, you’re like, “Do I need that? I dunno. Let me try - aagh! - No. I don’t need that. My lip went numb. I don’t need that at all. I’ll get a whole new baby tomorrow.”
The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60." "I am 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
They call me "Good Time Emo". Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
It's getting harder and harder to differentiate between schizophrenics and people talking on a cell phone. It still brings me up short to walk by somebody who appears to be talking to themselves.
You ever been on a date so bad, the girl makes you drop her off at another dude’s house?
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.