Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 934

Oh, this isn't a talk show; it's more just filling time, really, 'til the infomercials start.

"I’m glad Carol Vorderman has left Countdown, I mean it’s not like she did much. She was effectively just an autistic shelf-stacker."

I'm in an abusive relationship with butter. And I'm the only one getting hurt.

I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.

When I’m not working, I think and I think when I get depressed.

It seemed like a funny thing to do! I thought we could maybe get on the ticket of the Libertarian Party. But people were either amused or horrified at the idea of me representing their party.

Usually when you hear a laugh like that, it comes with a chainsaw.

Everyone is coming from a place of fear and my feeling is stop being so afraid. If something doesn’t work then that’s fine at least then you know it doesn’t work. Don’t worry so much about it not working, you can always fix that.

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.

9% would give up sex for the remote control. 91% has already given up sex for the remote control!

I can't ever remember ever seeing any charity porn, though. "Farmyard Frolics 3: A portion of this goes to a women's literacy programme in Eritrea".

We got everythin' we need here. We got Baileys, creamy, and, um... everythin' good. I'll get ya another Baileys

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now... once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time.

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

Did I miss a fucking meeting with the coffee? You can get every other flavor except COFFEE FLAVORED COFFEE! They got mochaccino, they've got chococcino, frapaccino, capaccino, rapaccino, Al Pacino, WHAT THE FUCK! www.whattheFUCK.com!!