Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 934

When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.

I do have certain feelings. My feeling is that whoever is in charge, I want him out.

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.

“(reading email) ‘Great party Arj. Best party ever.’ What a jerk!”

When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

Some people take the spelling bee very seriously. These people are called "parents of children in the spelling bee." They're trying to make up for their own childhood of crushed dreams and misspelled words.

I'm sure everyone in this room has been told a joke about that subject. I have many times and I've laughed, even though they are horrifying and shocking... I think there's no boundary at all, whether it's that subject or another.

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

The first time probably people really were aware of me, I unfortunately had the title of Showtime's Funniest Person in America. And that's a really tough title to travel around with when you're not even known.

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.

I'm in an abusive relationship with butter. And I'm the only one getting hurt.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.