Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 934

I remember my wife and I used to get on plane and see everybody else with their babies. They'd be putting strollers and car seats up above, and we'd think: Oh, please Lord, don't make us go through that.

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.

I never go perform somewhere alone. I've done that since day one. I've always taken other comics with me.

Women put guys through tests all the time.

Thats great applaude to another man having sex with my girlfriend.

Spielberg is so powerful he had final cut at his own circumsision.

When I was in prison I played football for the stalkers. When one of us would go for the ball, we’d all go. There was no one looking for space.

I've tried to do away with lying in my life in the last few years, but it's hard.

You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why, 'cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.

A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That's the second hand, George.

Sometimes, to help someone you love, you have to commit a felony. But, you don't want to go to prison for that. "Hey, dude, what are you in for? Armed robbery? Murder?" And then, you have to say, "Love." And, that's definitely going to get you, you know, picked last for prison kick ball.

You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to watch the dog doing them.

Where there's a will - there's a relative!

We just jumped out and started shooting with the band, and then one thing led to another. You see it unfold in the movie, but by the end of just hanging with them we had decided, 'Why don't we have them come to Brooklyn?' It was pretty awesome.