Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 935

I don't know what all the controversy is about, quite frankly. I've met Eminem, I met him backstage, and he's really gay.

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

She said, 'I'm your biggest fan,' and I said, 'Who are you?' She said, 'Paris Hilton.'

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.

These people marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an education and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around.

I started having intimacy problems during my breast-feeding.

Fang came home loaded one night, went into the closet and said: "Third floor, please."

North Korea pissed off the entire world last week by testing yet another nuclear bomb. This brings North Korea one step closer to a full scale nuclear bomb, that we will drop on North Korea.

I was an "Omnivore." Like a lot of people, I didn't know any better. Then I read a couple of books. One of them was called How Chickens Are Raped Before You Eat Them. Another was called Hotdogs and Fingertips. I also read The Cow Feces Dilemma as well as Barf, STDs and Veal.

I lived at home till I was 29.

The towers fell, and the first thing that went through my head was my dad's voice: 'Well, you brought a new life into the world, and the world's over. Nice timing, numbnuts!'

Researchers found a frog in new guinea that is so tiny, they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress.

Men hate to lose. I beat my husband once at tennis. I asked him, "Will we ever make love again?" He said, "Yes.... but not with each other."

Movies have takes. But plays are like life - you don't really get takes.