Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 935
You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I’ve never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.
Now I'm used to my daily, almost hourly, outrage at what's happening in this country.
I feel like a divorced woman in her 40s, all I need is some cat hair and it’ll be complete.
Don't you think that being a person of faith has become a third rail in American politics? If you want to run for president nowadays, you'd better get out there and say you're a very faith-based person.
If your boss asks you why you're comin' in late, you say it's 'cause you stayed late.
A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
There are people that really live by doing the right thing, but I don't know what that is, I'm really curious about that. I'm really curious about what people think they're doing when they're doing something evil, casually. I think it's really interesting, that we benefit from suffering so much, and we excuse ourselves from it.
I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.
If you're keeping score at home, they have now applauded executions at the Republican debate, they have cheered letting an uninsured man die, and they booed an active duty U.S. serviceman for being gay. I don’t know how you get to the right with this crowd but Ron Paul’s new campaign ad is just the Rodney King beating to the sound of children laughing.
When I first found out that I was going to win this award, I tried really hard - to care. And then I realized; we are all here tonight, because of a common love: me.
If that man in the PTL is such a healer, why can't he make his wife's hairdo go down?
You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.
Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012.
A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That's the second hand, George.