Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 935

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

I always say there's no more little girls, just boys with breasts. Girls act like boys nowadays. Teenage girls, they go after boys. They're predatory just like boys. My goal is to keep my girls, girls.

I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It’s like a child dizzy off lemonade

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too".

Moshe Dayan, who donated his eye to CBS. Never got a dinner!

Now I'm used to my daily, almost hourly, outrage at what's happening in this country.

I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.

If your boss asks you why you're comin' in late, you say it's 'cause you stayed late.

( Unlikely letters for an agony aunt to receive ) I would like to trace my father , could you suggest a good marker pen ?

The average late-night viewer is in their mid-50s and the average viewer of TBS is in their 30s and is largely African-American and Hispanic, already, before I even get there.

I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

I try to dress smooth, I try to keep my face shaved, I try to keep my head cut. I try to do all the things to keep it smooth going!

Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently...

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

I just brush it off and try to make a joke about it. Over the years it's been interesting.