Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 935
I moved recently and I moved my cable and Internet and phone service which was all provided by Time Warner Cable. And you know, I made a plan with them where they'd come sometime between summer solstice and winter solstice and I would wait.
So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.
How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?
Does your wife ever look at you with a look that if your name wasn't on bills that need to be paid you'd be out the door?
I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it -- build a house! Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.
I’m the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.
When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.
They’re calling Hooters now a family restaurant. Isn’t that hilarious? Tits for the whole family!
Denmark is charging a fat food tax on cheese, meat, and oil. Here, we call that the Denny's Grand Slam breakfast.
World AIDS Day is the one day of the year that it's okay to totally ignore lesbians.
We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.
I won’t say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.