Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 936

Going there is paying your dues. You always have to pay your dues... You've just got to do it. Maybe I come from a working family. Maybe it's the voice of my mom saying, 'You've always got to be nice to people.' I look at it as saying it's going to be fun. Those people are going to be really, really happy.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

Does your wife ever look at you with a look that if your name wasn't on bills that need to be paid you'd be out the door?

The towers fell, and the first thing that went through my head was my dad's voice: 'Well, you brought a new life into the world, and the world's over. Nice timing, numbnuts!'

[on using gym equipment] I always hate having to use the equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, you know like: CLANK! CLANK! "I'm the two plate guy!" CLANK! CLANK! "Anyone wanna spot me?" CLANK! CLANK!

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

It was easier to sell a painting that was not for sale.

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.

Movies have takes. But plays are like life - you don't really get takes.

If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it -- build a house! Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.

Men peak at age nineteen and go downhill.

Nissan is designing a car that will read the driver’s mind. I already know what I’m going to do. I want a car that will read the other guy’s mind.

You see the button with the guy with the tray, and you push it, AND HE ARRIVES WITH A SANDWICH! ...And you think: "Yes! Yes! I control sandwich monkey! I live in magic land, magic land, magic land"

Not many people have had as much bad luck as I have, but not many people have had as much good luck, either.

You might be a redneck if the first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "Hey!" or "How Y'all Doin'?"