Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 936

Now I'm used to my daily, almost hourly, outrage at what's happening in this country.

If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?

(Unlikely lines to hear on a TV Show ) Welcome to Blind Date with me , Stevie Wonder.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.

There are people that really live by doing the right thing, but I don't know what that is, I'm really curious about that. I'm really curious about what people think they're doing when they're doing something evil, casually. I think it's really interesting, that we benefit from suffering so much, and we excuse ourselves from it.

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.

I was in the park, pulling out stray nose hairs with my pliers. Those sleeping winos hate it when you do that.

Jacques Cousteau, the last man to see Jimmy Hoffa. Never got a dinner!

There was this whole middle time that only Chris Rock came out of, you know, 10 years ago it was Chris and a few other people, but that's about it. Chris is in a class of his own; I don't see another comedian who I put in high regard as him.

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?"

I saw the movie, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and I was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realised why: they're crouching and hidden.

Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently...

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.

Women put guys through tests all the time.