Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 936
The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.
Wanting more. Having your cake or eating your cake are fine. Not even wanting cake is where you get fucked.
Agatha Christie? We go back years, me and Ag. She's a … she's just a … she's dead, isn't she?
If you're walking down a street, it is never funny to pick up a child and run.
People see me in the suit and they know I'm not fooling anyone, they know I'm rock and roll through and through.
You might be a redneck if your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
Halloween seems to be getting bigger every year. I noticed a pattern this year with girls' costumes. Girls will take a typically altruistic career -- such as librarian, nurse, maybe nun -- and turn her into a whore.
There are flaws in the way politics is reported in this country today and we should do something about it, ... Radio and television coverage of politics doesn't see its role as a mission to explain, but to destroy, in a pernicious culture in which journalists pit themselves against politicians.
Santa blows all these shipping companies away. He delivers more than 2 billion packages in just 24 hours. He does it by sleigh. He doesn’t use tracking numbers and doesn’t use trucks. He just uses midgets and a giant bag.
So, my dad's like, 'You're not a lesbian, are you?' I'm like, 'No, I'm not a lesbian. I sleep with guys all the time.' He's like, 'Well, you're not a hooker, are you?' I'm like, 'No, I'm not a hooker. I don't charge people.'
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.
Today's ballroom dances like the swim, the frug, the chicken and the monkey are really nervous disorders set to music.