Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 93

It is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock.

If you don't bust a nut when I bust a nut... then you fresh outta fucking luck wit' me!

If God had really intended man to fly, He’d make it easier to get to the airport.

I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they’re scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: "You can’t just go out and sell it for what it’s worth, we’re holding out for so much more!"

This is how you answer a door in my neighborhood. WHO IS IT?

I bought my parents some stuff. That feels kind of good to be able to do that. I got them a place in Florida. I think I'm allowed to say that - I hope my dad doesn't get mad at me. But I don't spend money on myself. I don't like myself enough yet. But the people I love, I like spending the cash on them.

My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely.

The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

People with high blood pressure, diabetes - those are conditions brought about by life style. If you change the life style, those conditions will leave.

I urge all our listeners to masturbate. Right now. Because it takes the wind right out of the sex drive. We don't want rapists going into society half-cocked and ready to go. If they masturbate, they'll say, "Uhh... I think I'll rape tomorrow instead."

There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!"

Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say, 'Let's have some yum yums!' You would get in line - you would jump in the line - and you would go up and get the crouton O'Christ.

If you break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.