Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 93
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
The future is now! Soon every American home will integrate their television, phone and computer. You'll be able to visit the Louvre on one channel, or watch female wrestling on another. You can do your shopping at home, or play Mortal Kombat with a friend from Vietnam. There's no end to the possibilities!
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
The Nazis were well dressed. Today's racists are a rag-tag bunch with no sense of style or panache.
There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!"
I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem.
I'm one of those passengers who arrives at the airport five or six hours early so I can throw back a few drinks and muster up the courage to board the plane. Apparently I'm not alone because I've never been in an empty airport bar. I don't care what time you get there. Even at 8:00 a.m. you have to fight your way to the bar. At that hour, everyone drinks Bloody Marys so no one can tell it's booze- at least until they fall off their chair.
The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring us back our flag!
You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.