Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 93
I took a speed reading course and my speed shot up to 43 pages a minute, but my comprehension plummeted.
Just open your heart man and accept that people are gay. Thousands, probably millions of people are gay. And until we find a cure - we will practice unconditional love and tolerance towards these people. And we will let them get married because they're easier to track that way.
I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they’re scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: "You can’t just go out and sell it for what it’s worth, we’re holding out for so much more!"
Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
My poor mom, she's like, 'That's my son, Dat Phan. He crack joke all the time. I tell him go to law school, become a lawyer. But no, he move up to Hollywood - he live out of his car; he eat Top Ramen with all the gay guys.'
If you break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.
It was a decision to work clean. I just prefer to work that way. I have no problem with comedians who don't work that way. There was a temptation in the early '70s to reconsider. I decided against it.
It's fun to be in California. The police are kind of weird here. They ask you stupid questions. 'Do you know why I pulled you over?' Because I have pot in the glove compartment?
I don't drink to get happy or to forget the pain. I drink to stop the voices in my head. Do you know what's so bad about them, they stutter. Ddddave... Kkkikikill your papapaparents!
The future is now! Soon every American home will integrate their television, phone and computer. You'll be able to visit the Louvre on one channel, or watch female wrestling on another. You can do your shopping at home, or play Mortal Kombat with a friend from Vietnam. There's no end to the possibilities!
My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Then the challenge is, once you left brain it and build it, then when you’re on stage you have to know it so well that you can get lost in it. I don’t want to be onstage looking like a robot, I want to be at the end of the day very emotional and what feels like someone being up there rather than reciting things. That’s always the challenge, to analyze and then somehow lose yourself in something you absolutely know backwards and forwards. And nothing’s going to surprise you, but you have to be surprised by it and let it surprise you.