Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 942
I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."
A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods.
Whatever makes “Hey Ya” good, it is the evil side of that. It is the anti-matter to the matter of “Hey Ya.”
People laugh to forget their troubles, and to forget their troubles they like to look at people who aren't doing better than they are.
I think pornography stops rape, AIDS ribbons are stupid, and flag burning makes me feel patriotic.
That is amazing! I mean these CEOs saying their own businesses are doing OK! I mean, it makes sense to take these CEOs word for it. For instance, I know O.J. Simpson. He told me he didn't kill anyone and he should know, he was there!
One phrase you don’t want kicking off your obituary is, "Never, in the long history of bungee jumping…"
A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."
You might be a redneck if the neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.