Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 942
I tried to buy bedding not so long ago... has anybody here tried to buy a duvet? Did you come up against the old tog rating system? It’s like coming up against the Spanish Inquisition.
I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?
As a child my parents said they believed in Santa Claus but that I didn't exist.
You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.
Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera, doesn't it?
Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I’d told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
Fang came home loaded one night, went into the closet and said: "Third floor, please."
What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
We have now given one of the only 50 states we have to a herd of Simu-Bullwinkles!
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.
A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."