Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 942
Marriage was the only way to truly find out that I was the wrong choice.
And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
I'm trying hard not to use a specific reference, but you'll probably know it's you after the first sentence.
I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.
Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Touch my vagina," and she's like, "What!" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say."
I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!
Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.
You might be a redneck if... you think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
She was nice to him on Valentine’s Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.
You might be a redneck if you've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
I thought comedy would be the hardest thing I could do, and if I could do that, I could do anything.