Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 943

So, I'm 34. I'm kind of becoming an adult - kind of, I guess. But I know that I am because, the other day, I said to somebody, 'Dude, dude, don't - those are the good plates.'

'Cause every woman in here, ever since you were … every guy you met has been trying to fuck you. That's right.

My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.

Three times in ten years of comedy I've pulled my dick out or gone on stage naked, and it was appropriate at the time.

We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.

Every television show you go on is a choice.

I was a Brownie Scout mother.

He looked like the type of dad that volunteers to hand out the trophies to the losers in Little League. And when did that start?! You don't get a trophy for losing. You get pizza and you shut the fuck up.

When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.

If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there’d be headlines of ‘Russell How-hard’ in the newspapers.

Called somebody an “Indian giver” recently. They were really offended so I had to take it back.

I do a show. It comes on late at night on TV. And if that means I'm a late-night talk show host, then I guess I am, but in every other regard I resign my commission, I don't care for it.

I think there's too much mult-tasking going on. I think people need to quiet down and focus and be still more.

Now I'm used to my daily, almost hourly, outrage at what's happening in this country.

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.