Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 943
I get bored easily, so I need to do a lot. I've started a record label, so I get to nurture new talent and talk about music, which is a passion of mine. I've written another book. And I get to come to work and do the TV show, which is always really fun.
Supreme Court says pornography is any act that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thoughts… Hmm… sounds like almost every commercial on TV to me. You know when I see those two twins on that Doublemint commercial… I ain’t thinking about gum.
I've been trying to find women writers for my staff for a while now and I have three women on my staff and three guys so it's pretty equal. I don't know why that is. It's been the same thing for a while. It's hard for female comedians to stand out. That's weird. That's a shame.
It's not even about black and white anymore, because so many people are from mixed backgrounds and mixed ethnicities, and it's just a great time to be able to pull all that together.
People are constantly asking Portia and me if we are going to have children. We thought about it. We love to be around children after they've been fed and bathed. But we ultimately decided that we don't want children of our own. There is far too much glass in our house.
“My wife and I both made a list of 5 people we could sleep with…she read hers out and there were no surprises…1 George Clooney…2 Brad Pitt etc…I thought ‘Ive got the better deal here’…1 Your sister”
[On Her Best Friend's Pregnancy]<br /> I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'
Three times in ten years of comedy I've pulled my dick out or gone on stage naked, and it was appropriate at the time.
The one equal right that women will never get... is the equal right of just being able to fuck shamelessly, like men do.
You have to remember: the wife been home all day cleaning asses and feeding faces. Sometimes the opposite.
I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!
Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!
Did you know that diarrhea can actually kill you? Even if you only drink a little bit.
You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.