Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 943
They call me "Good Time Emo". Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic.
This is a country where tobacco kills four hundred thousand people a year, so they ban artificial sweeteners! Because a rat died! You know what I mean?
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
He looked like the type of dad that volunteers to hand out the trophies to the losers in Little League. And when did that start?! You don't get a trophy for losing. You get pizza and you shut the fuck up.
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.
If we don’t want to define ourselves by things as superficial as our appearances, we’re stuck with the revolting alternative of being judged by our actions.
I went on a hardcore drinking and smoking binge. It lasted right about nine months. And then as soon as I was born, I was like, “Do not go in there.”
Everyone is coming from a place of fear and my feeling is stop being so afraid. If something doesn’t work then that’s fine at least then you know it doesn’t work. Don’t worry so much about it not working, you can always fix that.
The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.
If you make love - if you're lucky enough to have a partner - let it out. Shriek like a baboon, man. I have this theory: at the moment of my conception, my mother shushed my father during his orgasm. It gave me low self-esteem.