Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 944
I just brush it off and try to make a joke about it. Over the years it's been interesting.
The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.
This job has explained to me who I am - I'm not kidding. I always knew I was an actor, but kind of not. I always knew I was a writer, but kind of not. I knew was a producer, but kind of not. It's really a peculiar confluence of skills and experiences that put you in the right position to do this job. But I know now what I am. I'm this. Whatever this is. Now that I know this it's really helped me in my life.
The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.
I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.
I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"
A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.
You might be a redneck if you're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
I had to move in with my girlfriend... It was very successful and we lived very happily in domestic bliss and harmony... for 13 days.
Now, I tell you that for two reasons. One, to brag. And two, to tell you she wants to retake the test. I go, "what are you, stupid?" I wish my SAT scores had four digits in it! That equal 13.
I tried to buy bedding not so long ago... has anybody here tried to buy a duvet? Did you come up against the old tog rating system? It’s like coming up against the Spanish Inquisition.
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.