Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 944
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
The one who cares the most wins. That's how I knew I'd end up with everyone else waving the white flags and not me. That's how I knew I'd be the last person standing when it was all over. I cared the most.
Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"
A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
Black movies don't have real names, they have names like Barbershop. That's not a name, that's just a location.
Fuck all the people who say, "God bless," and then don't bother to complete the sentence. Who they are, I haven't the slightest. But, if I were God, I would not honor such a request.
An Orthodox Jewish vampire, who was so Kosher that he wouldn't suck a neck unless it was salted first. Never got a dinner!
There are people that really live by doing the right thing, but I don't know what that is, I'm really curious about that. I'm really curious about what people think they're doing when they're doing something evil, casually. I think it's really interesting, that we benefit from suffering so much, and we excuse ourselves from it.
I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. And that's really it. You know, if I really wanted to enact social change I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that.
Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.
It's easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.
I wrote a novel this year called "Shop Girl", and several producers came to me and wanted to turn it into a movie. And I said, "If you think you`re going to take this book and change it around, and Hollywoodize it and change the ending... that`s going to cost you."
We wanted something different this year. We're still keeping the musicianship, as opposed to it being a jam band fest. There's also a lot more standard bluegrass acts and we've never had an act like Bobby McFerrin before. You don't have to be a bluegrass artist - you just have to be a great artist to fit in at Telluride.