Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 944
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
I look at anything in nature and how things work-the stars, the pyramids-and I can't imagine that there's not some kind of design to it all. There's got to be something big that we don't understand. I do believe in Jesus. I believe in being good to one another. Life is about spending our time here contributing and not taking away. That's my faith.
Old people can't fall asleep in their chair in peace. As soon as they start to nod off you go, "Nan! Nan!" They go, "What? What?" "Oh sorry we thought you'd just di..."
You might be a redneck if you've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."
A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods.
To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, "That's was an oldie from The Clash."
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
One phrase you don’t want kicking off your obituary is, "Never, in the long history of bungee jumping…"
A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."