Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 949

I was doing an interview once, and this guy goes, “So you must be pretty psyched about all this ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ stuff?”

If we did a reunion show we should do it now and show it in 10 years just so everybody still looks good.

Dying is to be avoided because it can ruin your whole career.

It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.

Who better to do drugs than high school kids; what are you going to fuck up that bad when you're seventeen years old?

In talking to girls I could never remember the right sequence of things to say. I'd meet a girl and say, "Hi, was it good for you too?" If a girl spent the night, I'd wake up in the morning and then try to get her drunk.

You might be a redneck if you are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.'

Three of my stocks went off the financial page - into the help-wanted section.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if you're a kid it's, "Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?"

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.