Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 949
She loves me so much, my daughter. She doesn't want me to be lonely; isn't that nice? She's trying to fix me up with Robert Blake.
An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.
I tried to buy bedding not so long ago... has anybody here tried to buy a duvet? Did you come up against the old tog rating system? It’s like coming up against the Spanish Inquisition.
You might be a redneck if you've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
The only way woman can truly be completely satisfied is to get herself four different men--an old one, an ugly one, a Mandingo, and a gay guy.
Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.
Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
I'm trying hard not to use a specific reference, but you'll probably know it's you after the first sentence.
Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I’d told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.
But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.