Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 949

People are constantly asking Portia and me if we are going to have children. We thought about it. We love to be around children after they've been fed and bathed. But we ultimately decided that we don't want children of our own. There is far too much glass in our house.

“They had to ask Spain I think, they’ve had to say to Spain, can you lend us some stuff for the roads, and it’s Gordon Brown phoning up going ‘pass the salt’”

Relationships are a lot like yard sales. They look really fun from a couple hundred feet away, but eventually you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need.

The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.

If I had butterscotch pants and a cheetah sweater... I'd be just fine.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

Black people don’t kill nobody they don’t know. Look at black-on-black crime. We kill each other because we know each other… When a black man goes to his ex-wife’s job because he wants to shoot a bitch because he don’t want to pay child support or alimony no more. He don’t kill everybody at the company. He says, “Get out the way, I just want to shoot that bitch right there.”

One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.

Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir. By the way, 'memoir' is just a fancy word for 'a bunch of stuff that happened to me.'

It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?

I'm just saying we can all work on our manners. We can say please and thank you. We can be punctual. We can just be nicer to one another. It's something we have in our power to do.

Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.

After all, once you've driven your drunk father to your mom's parole hearing, what else is there?

The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed.