Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 949
Anytime you see a bit where some stranger does something to me, it's me.
I realized on our first wedding anniversary that our marriage was in trouble. Fang gave me luggage. It was packed.
We are just happy that we are here in Brazil and that this was a good ending.
When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from being walked on. You have to ride shotgun in their lives and protect them, because normal people, oh ho, easily manipulated. Oh, look over there, now look back. Oh, you so need me.
I'm fortunate to know a lot of incredibly talented people, and they all want to be a penguin.
It's common courtesy; he's doing most of the work; you've got to encourage him.
This city has so many beautiful women. I fall in love like every ten minutes, I'm sitting on the subway, I'm like, "There's my wife...there she is - oh, she's getting off. All right, there's the woman - all right, that's a man."
For a long time I thought I knew for sure who I was. I grew up in New Orleans and became a comedian. And there was everything that came along with that. The nightclubs. The smoking. The drinking. Then I turned 13.
I flew to Ireland once... I’m Welsh I brought shorts, t shirts, sunglasses, they don’t even sell them in Wales I had to go to Bristol to buy them!
An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
Now, I tell you that for two reasons. One, to brag. And two, to tell you she wants to retake the test. I go, "what are you, stupid?" I wish my SAT scores had four digits in it! That equal 13.
I would assign every lie a color: yellow when they were innocent, pale blue when they sailed over you like the sky, red because I knew they drew blood. And then there was the black lie. That's the worst of all. A black lie was when I told you the truth.