Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 949

You got a gun, you don't have to work out.

He's not stupid ... he's not a retarded man ... he just doesn't give a shit about you, or anything.

You should be as alive as you can, until you're totally dead!

I do like men and I had, you know, a guy in high school that I wanted to marry desperately. He's the mayor of some small town in Texas. I could be the mayor's wife right now.

If we did a reunion show we should do it now and show it in 10 years just so everybody still looks good.

Three of my stocks went off the financial page - into the help-wanted section.

President Bush is taking the entire month of August off. Bush said today he thinks it is important for a president to spend time away from Washington. Or at least that's what Dick Cheney told him.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."

When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if you're a kid it's, "Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?"

The one equal right that women will never get... is the equal right of just being able to fuck shamelessly, like men do.

If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?

I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, "Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards."

I like the mocha cappuccino orgasm myself.