Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 948

What also helps our show is that we never take ourselves seriously.

One phrase you don’t want kicking off your obituary is, "Never, in the long history of bungee jumping…"

My family tree had some poisonous roots.

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.

I love standup and I haven't given it up.

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.

I honestly can't remember the last time I hit myself in the head with a hammer.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

Capote, of course, addressed very similar themes to Good Night and Good Luck. Both films are about determined journalists defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, both are period pieces.

The successful golfers - they're like astronauts or pilots. They have that demeanor that they can focus and stay within that one moment and nothing distracts them. That's not me.

Denmark is charging a fat food tax on cheese, meat, and oil. Here, we call that the Denny's Grand Slam breakfast.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?

I understand porno and I understand getting high, but getting scared? What the fucks's in it for you?