Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 948
So, my dad's like, 'You're not a lesbian, are you?' I'm like, 'No, I'm not a lesbian. I sleep with guys all the time.' He's like, 'Well, you're not a hooker, are you?' I'm like, 'No, I'm not a hooker. I don't charge people.'
Your services might be as useful as a barber’s shop on the steps of a guillotine.
Right before I decided to come out, I went on a spiritual retreat called 'Changing the Inner Dialogue of Your Subconscious Mind.' I'd never been to anything like it before, and all my friends were taking bets on how long I'd last with no TV, no radio, no phone. But for me that was the beginning of paying attention to all the little things.
There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur.
So if there are any ladies out there who fancy a little Emo action... well... I don't want to blow my own horn... Which is why I'm making this offer tonight.
Three times in ten years of comedy I've pulled my dick out or gone on stage naked, and it was appropriate at the time.
Gay comics have actually gotten popular. Which I think is great. Somebody called be up from Tulsa, Oklahoma and they said “We’re putting a comedy show together and we called you because we need a strong lesbian.” <br /> “You want me to tell jokes or move stuff?”
Did you know that diarrhea can actually kill you? Even if you only drink a little bit.
You can tell when you’ve gained too much weight when you move and you smell it. You be like, “Oh shit, is somebody eating tacos in this motherfucka?”
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Well! I feel happy these days. I've started taking a herbal anti-depressant. It's called Saint John's Wort. Apparently it's the best-selling anti-depressant in many places. It's the most popular anti-depressant in Germany... After, I'm guessing, amnesia...