Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 948

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Slaves built all this shit down here.. Or carried the shit that built it.. (on New Orleans)

What also helps our show is that we never take ourselves seriously.

I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.

My family tree had some poisonous roots.

North Korea pissed off the entire world last week by testing yet another nuclear bomb. This brings North Korea one step closer to a full scale nuclear bomb, that we will drop on North Korea.

I lived at home till I was 29.

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

Researchers found a frog in new guinea that is so tiny, they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine’s Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.

In a statement to the Associated Press earlier in the year, Jamie Lynn said she didn't have a boyfriend. She said, "I'm keeping my options open." And by options, she meant legs.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.