Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 948
My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw! It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.
I'm a nerd. I'm a little guy... the last guy you'd expect in a romantic movie.
You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.
And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".
My wife told me the car wasn't running well. There was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.
I can do most anything and not have a problem with it. The only time I have negative attention is when I run naked through the streets brandishing a handgun.
Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.
It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.
On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.
We are so excited about adding additional incentives to the program. It gives them a fun reason to exercise and learn about geography as well.