Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 948
Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I’d told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I’m the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.
But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.
A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."
With a cheery delicacy she divided my obsessions into three categories: acceptable, unacceptable, and hilarious.
For the first few years I wrote jokes and performed them word for word and then wrote tags for them and did that word for word and that worked pretty well. Now, I do almost all of my writing on stage and then record and listen for any new things and then I write those down.
You might be a redneck if you've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
World AIDS Day is the one day of the year that it's okay to totally ignore lesbians.
Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.
The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.
That's a device. I like to think about it as a little bit of a mystery ... the director describes it as a statement of authorship. It's kind of a sophisticated concept, but I like to think of it almost as my character looking back intellectually, but not at an advanced age.