Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 953

You might be a redneck if you've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.

When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.

Most people are not particularly good at anything.

I do have certain feelings. My feeling is that whoever is in charge, I want him out.

There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

Is global warming new? I don't know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot.

It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

Most people don't want to leave their wife and children behind but many people seem to want to take leave of themselves.

The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.

Is it a bad sign when you see the person you're dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you're rear view mirror?