Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 953
My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.
I do a show. It comes on late at night on TV. And if that means I'm a late-night talk show host, then I guess I am, but in every other regard I resign my commission, I don't care for it.
The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith.
An evangelical minister has had to resign after pictures surfaced showing him in a hot tub with two women. He claimed it was just a baptism gone terribly wrong.
50 years: here's a time when you have to separate yourself from what other people expect of you, and do what you love. Because if you find yourself 50 years old and you aren't doing what you love, then what's the point?
A war is going to destroy our economy even further. It's going to be a threefold humanitarian disaster.
You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey, the so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing. Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.
Police blog or entertainment news, it's just good to see your name in print.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.
They should have little disclaimer that says - "Do not operate heavy machinery while watching this show!"
I've done 10 or 11 pilots for network television, which is ridiculous.