Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 953

This one kid said something that was really bad. He said I wasn't really black cause I had a dad.

There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.

Hanging out with comics, all they did was make fun of me.

But I understand that relationship; I understand how the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship has so many conflicts because it's so forced.

Never say to younger people "that was before your time," because the last full moon was before their time!

I was fat! I was pustule-rich! I looked like a pink human grenade! When did I blossom into the irresistible little orchid that I am now? I don't know. Getting taller helps. It spreads out a bit.

The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

At one time, Washington actually meant something. But now, it's about as relevant as Bob Dylan's tuning fork.

One phrase you don’t want kicking off your obituary is, "Never, in the long history of bungee jumping…"

My family tree had some poisonous roots.

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

There was a time in this country when a whoop-de-doo was illegal.