Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 955
Researchers found a frog in new guinea that is so tiny, they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress.
Denmark is charging a fat food tax on cheese, meat, and oil. Here, we call that the Denny's Grand Slam breakfast.
I can't do that. I'm already the single guy living in his parents' house. I can't be seen digging a grave in the middle of the night.
All of those things make it look like a really hard transaction to pull off. But it can be done.
Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.
Right before I decided to come out, I went on a spiritual retreat called 'Changing the Inner Dialogue of Your Subconscious Mind.' I'd never been to anything like it before, and all my friends were taking bets on how long I'd last with no TV, no radio, no phone. But for me that was the beginning of paying attention to all the little things.
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if you're a kid it's, "Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?"
My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."
When I'm sick I don't shake hands. I say hello by putting my fingers in your mouth.