Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 955

Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

My cat, Ethel, is an indoor cat but somehow she's sneakin' out at night. 'Cause the other morning I found a stamp on her paw... I wouldn't have noticed myself, but I just bought this new black light and she passed right under it and I said, 'Hey, what's that on you paw?'

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. Some say, it's the only time we're perfect. You're also born covered in blood and placenta. No one gets nostalgic about that.

The simple combination of letters and sounds you select as a name for your baby can result in a life of carefree coolness or decades of expensive therapy. "Hi, I'm Jake" versus "Hi, I'm... Tapioca"

She (his wife) is the wind beneath my wings.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures.

Fang came home loaded one night, went into the closet and said: "Third floor, please."

In America you can always find a party. In Russia the party always finds you.

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.

What also helps our show is that we never take ourselves seriously.

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.