Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 955

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Well, aren't you a saucy sack of estrogen?

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

I was a Brownie Scout mother.

You can tell when you’ve gained too much weight when you move and you smell it. You be like, “Oh shit, is somebody eating tacos in this motherfucka?”

Elizabeth Taylor has a big heart. She recently built a halfway house for girls who don't want to go all the way.

Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

What have you been reading, The Gospel according to St. Bastard?!

You might be a redneck if your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

I was what they call a “fussy eater.” ‘He’s fussy! He’s a fussy eater!’ “Fussy eater” is a euphemism for “Big pain in the ass.”

When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.

Newsweek reported that 87 Congressman are currently having affairs. In fact, that is why they have roll call ever morning, to see who is back from the motel. Last call Kennedy! I know these guys like to poll their constituents but this is ridiculous.

Being famous is great, it's not like bad or horrible or anything.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'