Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 955
They’re calling Hooters now a family restaurant. Isn’t that hilarious? Tits for the whole family!
When I'm working, I'm going to avoid all media. No newspapers, no magazines, no movies, no radio, no TV. I'm just going to do creative work.
Hello, this is Harris. I'm in right now, so you can talk to me personally. Please start talking at the sound of the beep.
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
I can't do that. I'm already the single guy living in his parents' house. I can't be seen digging a grave in the middle of the night.
There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting.
I love hitting into the rough because it gets me close to the people.
I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it's not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.
I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ... It's the first time I got dumped in my life.
If you're seeing a psychiatrist, you're wasting money because all you've got to do is get on a plane, get on a subway tomorrow and, inevitably, you're going to be seated in front of some guy who's playing with himself, and he'll be singing, 'Happy Days Are Here Again.' I tell you - when I see that guy, I feel pretty good about myself.
If you’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog, you might be a redneck.
President Bush is taking the entire month of August off. Bush said today he thinks it is important for a president to spend time away from Washington. Or at least that's what Dick Cheney told him.
Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have bought one at the market.