Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 955

Sometimes I try to take a nap before shows. That clears my head.

This one kid said something that was really bad. He said I wasn't really black cause I had a dad.

Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you've got.

I know they don’t recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.

But I understand that relationship; I understand how the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship has so many conflicts because it's so forced.

Never say to younger people "that was before your time," because the last full moon was before their time!

I was fat! I was pustule-rich! I looked like a pink human grenade! When did I blossom into the irresistible little orchid that I am now? I don't know. Getting taller helps. It spreads out a bit.

The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.

It is in that moment, when you really lay down your cards and see the relationship for what it was, that you'll find the freedom to kick it in the ass and let it go.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.

While I am venting hey oil companies why does gas cost different in different parts of the country. It's the same freaking gas.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.