Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 954

My favorite Dylan song? I think it's 'Just Like a Woman.' It always makes me cry.

Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country.

You might be a redneck if your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

My family wasn't the Brady Bunch. They were the Broody Bunch.

We can sit and worry about what's going to happen to us two weeks from now. I'd rather focus on the amazing things happening right in front of us.

I've got a lot to say about television. There's a lot going on in television right now and I feel like a huge part of television.

I wanted to do a show based on what my life would be like if I had never become a comedian.

Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

Despite a lack of natural ability, I did have the one element necessary to all early creativity: naïveté, that fabulous quality that keeps you from knowing just how unsuited you are for what you are about to do.

Fang came home loaded one night, went into the closet and said: "Third floor, please."

The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it.

My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.

One phrase you don’t want kicking off your obituary is, "Never, in the long history of bungee jumping…"

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?