Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 954

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Kangoroos can't hop backwards.

Comedy is a cruel mistress, especially if you're already seeing a really cruel mistress.

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: "I'm such a klutz!" But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.

I have a CD burner... My fireplace.

It's been hard in entertainment as a 45-year-old woman to find jobs. They get fewer and far between if you're older, unless you're one of the few lucky ones who work constantly, like Meryl Streep.

These days, young people watch TV on smartphones and computers. Young people with an actual TV set are harder to find than a picture of Anthony Weiner with his clothes on.

I don't really know much about pirates, or pirate culture. I'd be a contrarian pirate.

Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.

( Unlikely letters for an agony aunt to receive ) I would like to trace my father , could you suggest a good marker pen ?

If a parsley farmer loses a law suit, do they garnish his wages?

Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

My girlfriend said, “Have you been having sex behind my back?”