Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 954
CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded.
A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?"
It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.
You might be a redneck if taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn’t really set out to do this, but comedy has served as my outlet to address my issues I have with this crazy world.
You gotta live life before you can talk about it. Sometimes when things don't work out in life, they work out on stage.
Does anyone know... does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because... uh... you've all been in charge pretty much since... uh... what was that guys name... Constantine. He converted in, what was it, 312 A.D. I'm just saying, enjoy your success.
I never go perform somewhere alone. I've done that since day one. I've always taken other comics with me.
I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.
When I started stand-up, the first thing I did was to take an improv class.
Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement, poor holiday, poor public services, poor health service; it's basically just a kind of grey, godless wilderness, full of cold pies and broken dreams.