Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 954

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

My first year on 'SNL', I made $90,000 dollars.

I'm thinking of a presidential bid; currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.

For the first few years I wrote jokes and performed them word for word and then wrote tags for them and did that word for word and that worked pretty well. Now, I do almost all of my writing on stage and then record and listen for any new things and then I write those down.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

I can't do that. I'm already the single guy living in his parents' house. I can't be seen digging a grave in the middle of the night.

I won’t say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

People are going to see both of us and think it`s an Abbott and Costello kind of thing. It`s not an easy switch. It`s not an easy transition from TV to film.

If you’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog, you might be a redneck.

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

Why don't you get me a gift? I'm still single! I don't know if you can register at a liquor store, but I would like to try.

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have bought one at the market.

Oh, something’s *always* wrong, Balders… the fact that I’m not a millionaire aristocrat, with the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino, is a constant niggle.