Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 956
The first class people look at you like, “we get on the plane first and we get our drinks first.” I feel like going, “Yeah, you hit the mountain first too.”
These days, young people watch TV on smartphones and computers. Young people with an actual TV set are harder to find than a picture of Anthony Weiner with his clothes on.
On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.
I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.
There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says "We've got a family members of yours under arrest" and you know directly who it is. In my family we have seven of those... And they are all my Mom!
Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look more together.
I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?
The childless experts on child raising also bring tears of laughter to my eyes when they say, "I love children because they're so honest." There is not an agent in the CIA or the KGB who knows how to conceal the theft of food, how to fake being asleep, or how to forge a parent's signature like a child.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls till she died.
I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.
Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.
My cat, Ethel, is an indoor cat but somehow she's sneakin' out at night. 'Cause the other morning I found a stamp on her paw... I wouldn't have noticed myself, but I just bought this new black light and she passed right under it and I said, 'Hey, what's that on you paw?'