Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 956
That's right. It turns out we've all been taking relationship advice from the fat middle-aged, bald guy who drives a Ferrari!
You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"
For a long time I thought I knew for sure who I was. I grew up in New Orleans and became a comedian. And there was everything that came along with that. The nightclubs. The smoking. The drinking. Then I turned 13.
'The ruckus' is different experiences you go through throughout your life which builds your ruckus points up - your tolerance. You've got to have a high tolerance for dealing with stuff all the time.
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.
I had to move in with my girlfriend... It was very successful and we lived very happily in domestic bliss and harmony... for 13 days.
But I don't want to lose touch with things like eating in Bob's Big Boy.
When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.
If you're walking down a street, it is never funny to pick up a child and run.
Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.
Look dawg, I know selling the tickets was wrong. But look, I took the 2 grand I made and bought Lovita a real nice rolex watch. So I got 1950 left.
Anyone who says "I would never hit a woman" hasn't met my x girlfriend.
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.