Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 956

Kangoroos can't hop backwards.

It`s all been satirized for your protection.

I took a lie detector test the other day. No I didn’t.

I always thought that as long as man is mortal, he will never be relaxed.

I would prefer to be well-liked in any and all situations.

I’m actually thinking of getting a dog. My parents actually said to me the other day, “Your little apartment? That’s a horrible, terrible place for a dog.” Yeah, but I live there. At least the dog doesn’t have to shave in the toilet like I do.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.

An evangelical minister has had to resign after pictures surfaced showing him in a hot tub with two women. He claimed it was just a baptism gone terribly wrong.

Aladdin, who said to his wife, "I know it’s not a lamp, keep rubbing!" Never got a dinner!

It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.

You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey, the so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing. Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.

Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.