Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 958

You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.

Despite a lack of natural ability, I did have the one element necessary to all early creativity: naïveté, that fabulous quality that keeps you from knowing just how unsuited you are for what you are about to do.

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

What also helps our show is that we never take ourselves seriously.

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine’s Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.

When I'm working, I'm going to avoid all media. No newspapers, no magazines, no movies, no radio, no TV. I'm just going to do creative work.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

For the first few years I wrote jokes and performed them word for word and then wrote tags for them and did that word for word and that worked pretty well. Now, I do almost all of my writing on stage and then record and listen for any new things and then I write those down.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I would imagine the wages of sin are death. But by the time they take taxes out it’s just kind of a tired feeling.

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with.

People are going to see both of us and think it`s an Abbott and Costello kind of thing. It`s not an easy switch. It`s not an easy transition from TV to film.

Sometimes when I watch a TV season, your favorite shows die quickly. And then sometimes it's not your favorite, and they live on for 12 years.

I was doing an interview once, and this guy goes, “So you must be pretty psyched about all this ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ stuff?”