Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 958

My last name is Szekely. Sounds like Saykay. When I was a little kid I had an instructor in camp who called me Shnizneckely. He would make fun of my name and it hurt my feelings because I was a little pussy and I cried. He said, 'Well, how do you say it?' I said, Seekay. So he wrote 'C.K' on my jersey and everything. He made my name 'C.K' and I just stuck with it.

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

You ever been on a date so bad, the girl makes you drop her off at another dude’s house?

If your biggest tax deduction was bail money, you might be a redneck.

More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had.

I wanted my character to be accessible and nonthreatening.

My only problem with white men is y’all don’t know how to break up with a bitch. Shit! I watch the crime channel…. I’m gonna tell you the difference in black women and white women. See, black women, we don’t allow our men to come home with duct tape if shit ain’t broke.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am all about money. I mean, just look how well my line of zodiac-inspired toe rings and homeopathic children’s medications are selling on Home Shopping Network.

You might be a redneck if your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

I can do most anything and not have a problem with it. The only time I have negative attention is when I run naked through the streets brandishing a handgun.

If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.

They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.

It shows exactly what you can do if you're a total psychotic.

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.

I’m actually thinking of getting a dog. My parents actually said to me the other day, “Your little apartment? That’s a horrible, terrible place for a dog.” Yeah, but I live there. At least the dog doesn’t have to shave in the toilet like I do.