Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 958

I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.

For months there have been rumors that J.Lo is finally pregnant with Marc Anthony’s baby. She was afraid it might never happen. I’m afraid it’s going to look like Marc Anthony...

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

You might be a redneck if... you think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

That's why ears have cartilage, to keep them from flapping.

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?

To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of TV and don’t move.

The NFL draft is going to be this Thursday. That's a huge night for college players. That's the night they start being paid over the table.

I don't have all the answers. I don't have a big closer, and I may not have a point. But I have a tit-fuck joke.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

As a school board we felt it's an unfair expense to families. The lawsuit has a certain logic to it - if you have free public education, you can't put these things on top of it. It defeats the purpose.

Some people take the spelling bee very seriously. These people are called "parents of children in the spelling bee." They're trying to make up for their own childhood of crushed dreams and misspelled words.