Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 959
I'm as poor as a church mouse, that's just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife ran off with another mouse, taking all the cheese.
I don’t want to get too fat. There’s that fat when you drop something, you’re like, “Do I need that? I dunno. Let me try - aagh! - No. I don’t need that. My lip went numb. I don’t need that at all. I’ll get a whole new baby tomorrow.”
President Bush is taking the entire month of August off. Bush said today he thinks it is important for a president to spend time away from Washington. Or at least that's what Dick Cheney told him.
"Normally you have news, weather and travel…..but not on snow day, on snow day news is weather is travel.” (Talking about the heavy snow in Britain.)
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Not a Harvard-type education, just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education.
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.
Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am all about money. I mean, just look how well my line of zodiac-inspired toe rings and homeopathic children’s medications are selling on Home Shopping Network.