Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 959
Behind the counter, another eighteen-year-old kid. Both ears-pierced. Both nostrils-pierced. Both eyebrows fucking pierced! And his tongue is hanging out, you know why his tongue is hanging... cuz he has a six-inch steel stud imbedded in the middle of it! That's just one more thing for your dad to grab a hold of when he's pissed off at you.
There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says "We've got a family members of yours under arrest" and you know directly who it is. In my family we have seven of those... And they are all my Mom!
Aladdin, who said to his wife, "I know it’s not a lamp, keep rubbing!" Never got a dinner!
No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.
You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey, the so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing. Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.
Paul Riser tells it in an interesting way; he dissects it and tells the structure, you know, 'you don't mention that part here.' But that's what's interesting about it and the people who are absent are interesting too.
I just brush it off and try to make a joke about it. Over the years it's been interesting.
Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.
Most people think, "Life sucks, and then you die." I disagree. I think life sucks. Then you get cancer. Then you go into chemotherapy. You lose all your hair, you feel bad about yourself. Then all of the sudden the cancer goes into remission, and then all of the sudden you have a stroke. You can't move your right side. And then, maybe, you die.
You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.