Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 959

I didn't know you could name a Puerto Rican 'Israel' 'cause I'm pretty sure you'll never meet a Jew named 'Puerto Rico.'

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?"

I saw the movie, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and I was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realised why: they're crouching and hidden.

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.

9% would give up sex for the remote control. 91% has already given up sex for the remote control!

Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty.

The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear.

Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.

My girlfriend said, “Have you been having sex behind my back?”

Describe your perfect man who looks like me…

'Fang' is permanent in my act of course. Don't confuse him with my real husbands. They are temporary.

Ma’am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?

Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement, poor holiday, poor public services, poor health service; it's basically just a kind of grey, godless wilderness, full of cold pies and broken dreams.

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country.