Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 959
Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.
Now, I tell you that for two reasons. One, to brag. And two, to tell you she wants to retake the test. I go, "what are you, stupid?" I wish my SAT scores had four digits in it! That equal 13.
If you're a cartoon character or most TV characters, sure, you'll fight, because the punches are juicy-sounding and they don't leave marks. But in real life, if somebody punches you in the eye, it doesn't make any noise and your eye is swollen for, like, six months. It's a nightmare to get punched in the eye.
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
Anyone who says "I would never hit a woman" hasn't met my x girlfriend.
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
The claim that somehow raw foods give you better energy, are more healthful, improve your immune system and all of that is simply not substantiated. And moreover, it's not biologically plausible.
It used to be Rhodesia, before they killed all them white muthafuckas.
I think an invisible shit monster just dumped in my fridge but I can't figure out where the stank is coming from.
After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.
Rappers misspell things from time to time, just for fun. They'll use a 'Z' instead of an 'S,' a 'Y' instead of an 'I.' If I was an accountant, I would do that with numbers. I'd be like, 'Yo, here's your check. I used a 1 instead of a 5. Just keepin' it real. Don't wanna embezzle, my nezzle.'