Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 957

I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?

I don't have to edit myself. I get to be me, warts and all, and that's ultimately what people want, and to trust each other implicitly.

She has learned that her body is precious and it mustn't be offered carelessly ever again, as it holds a direct connection to her heart.

You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.

Life isn't something you possess. It's something you take part in, and you witness.

Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.

Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don’t laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.

Sometimes I try to take a nap before shows. That clears my head.

Video games don’t make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.

She (his wife) is the wind beneath my wings.

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.'

Despite a lack of natural ability, I did have the one element necessary to all early creativity: naïveté, that fabulous quality that keeps you from knowing just how unsuited you are for what you are about to do.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you've got.

When it's cold - I'll tell you what happens when it's cold: You get a lot of shit done and you get ladies pregnant. When it's hot, ladies will say, "You're sweating, get the fuck off of me." Ladies like doggie style in the summertime. Missionary style is more of a wintertime sexual position. Understand?