Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 957
A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods.
Granola didn’t sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up.
Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera, doesn't it?
Over Christmas, I like to dress up as Jesus and I go to malls. And I walk through the malls saying, “No! No! This isn’t what it’s supposed to be about people.”
I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.
Just because he’s busy doesn’t make him more valuable. “Busy” does not mean “better”.
I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.
The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.
Sometimes when I watch a TV season, your favorite shows die quickly. And then sometimes it's not your favorite, and they live on for 12 years.
I’m a vulgar, fucked-up degenerate comedian who did drugs. And I’m connecting with Christian mothers and fathers. I love that. That means so much to me.
I love clothes, so when I wear clothes, they're usually somebody's. You know, I'm not wearing Kmart.
We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing - a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin - no thank you. My family's very close; I can do that at home.