Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 957
My cat, Ethel, is an indoor cat but somehow she's sneakin' out at night. 'Cause the other morning I found a stamp on her paw... I wouldn't have noticed myself, but I just bought this new black light and she passed right under it and I said, 'Hey, what's that on you paw?'
If you're walking down a street, it is never funny to pick up a child and run.
I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.
Despite a lack of natural ability, I did have the one element necessary to all early creativity: naïveté, that fabulous quality that keeps you from knowing just how unsuited you are for what you are about to do.
Whatever makes “Hey Ya” good, it is the evil side of that. It is the anti-matter to the matter of “Hey Ya.”
I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings.
He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in...
Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.
I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?
They charged me 15 dollars. That's how much it costs to only have 20 dollars.
They should have a store next to the bookstore called the shit store where you can get shit books to read while on the shitter. No one reads great literature on the shitter.