Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 957
Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left.
This job has explained to me who I am - I'm not kidding. I always knew I was an actor, but kind of not. I always knew I was a writer, but kind of not. I knew was a producer, but kind of not. It's really a peculiar confluence of skills and experiences that put you in the right position to do this job. But I know now what I am. I'm this. Whatever this is. Now that I know this it's really helped me in my life.
The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.
I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.'
I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years.
I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?
Last year I punched a shop assistant over the duvet tog-rating system and went berserk over a mince pie. I am stung by accusations that I over-react.
When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
The only way woman can truly be completely satisfied is to get herself four different men--an old one, an ugly one, a Mandingo, and a gay guy.
I was reading the paper the other day because my neighbor got up late.
When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.