Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 957
The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.
No, I did not really punch the woman in the Honeymooners bit. We had a makeup artist punch her.
If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it -- build a house! Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.
Just because he’s busy doesn’t make him more valuable. “Busy” does not mean “better”.
For the first few years I wrote jokes and performed them word for word and then wrote tags for them and did that word for word and that worked pretty well. Now, I do almost all of my writing on stage and then record and listen for any new things and then I write those down.
I won’t say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.
People are going to see both of us and think it`s an Abbott and Costello kind of thing. It`s not an easy switch. It`s not an easy transition from TV to film.
I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the "Death Star." I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational.
If you're seeing a psychiatrist, you're wasting money because all you've got to do is get on a plane, get on a subway tomorrow and, inevitably, you're going to be seated in front of some guy who's playing with himself, and he'll be singing, 'Happy Days Are Here Again.' I tell you - when I see that guy, I feel pretty good about myself.
If you’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog, you might be a redneck.
Why don't you get me a gift? I'm still single! I don't know if you can register at a liquor store, but I would like to try.