Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 976

After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.

I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, "You are here". I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.

The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I was a nerd growing up, and I'm a little antisocial and awkward.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.

My first day as a woman and I am already having hot flushes.

We wanted something different this year. We're still keeping the musicianship, as opposed to it being a jam band fest. There's also a lot more standard bluegrass acts and we've never had an act like Bobby McFerrin before. You don't have to be a bluegrass artist - you just have to be a great artist to fit in at Telluride.

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?

That's ended, that's over. I want you to meet my pimps. I thought, I'm a show-business ho already, so I might as well be a real ho.

I'm not playing with you. I will blow that black, crusty, dead knarled motherfucker the fuck off your foot! Now put the razor away!

It's a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.

You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.

It’s amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.