Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 976

Adam, who said to George Burns, "Dad, can I have my allowance?" Never got a dinner!

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

A war is going to destroy our economy even further. It's going to be a threefold humanitarian disaster.

Has anyone here ever been fully engulfed in fire? It's gotta be so hot!

I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. And that's really it. You know, if I really wanted to enact social change I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that.

Your self-esteem is a notch below Kafka.

The notebook. Yes, as you know Garofalo's a little forgetful. Has to bring her notebook. Between the Nutrasweet and the Fen-phen, I don't know whether to shit or wind my watch at this point. I gotta have a thing happening here because I don't wanna forget what I wanna discuss with you. I owe you that much.

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

You might be a redneck if you refer to your wife and mother-in-law as "dual air bags".

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.

'Fang' is permanent in my act of course. Don't confuse him with my real husbands. They are temporary.

Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!

Here's the analogy. If my body were a car, I'd be thinking about trading it in around now. I would like to upgrade. I would be actually on the lot somewhere and some guy with a loud sports jacket would be sizing me up... kinda looking around going maybe kicking my knees. Looking behind me going: "That looks a little bashed in back there...Yeah. You mind if I check under the hood?" "Well yes I do! Thank you very much."