Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 976
"I'm bored" is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of.
9% would give up sex for the remote control. 91% has already given up sex for the remote control!
Venus de Milo’s mother, who once said to Venus, "You never call me. Can’t you pick up a phone?" Never got a dinner!
I can't ever remember ever seeing any charity porn, though. "Farmyard Frolics 3: A portion of this goes to a women's literacy programme in Eritrea".
[as George W. Bush] I will tame evil, I will get the evil ones, We must find the evil ones. We must get evil, we must laminate evil, we must wear it round our necks, at the backstage party in paradise!
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.
When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from being walked on. You have to ride shotgun in their lives and protect them, because normal people, oh ho, easily manipulated. Oh, look over there, now look back. Oh, you so need me.
Some people say "don't use your personal life for comedic fodder". These people may be right, but I have no other life to use so fuck em.
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."
Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.