Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 976

I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the "Death Star." I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational.

My family taught me to take regrets one day at a time.

Isn't that just being a whore? You don't need to join a club. Close your legs, sister.

In a Scottish opera, it ain't over 'till the fat lady bitch-slaps you.

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

I can't pay her back, but what I can do is make her as happy as she thought I would when we first got married.

When we were growing up our parents somehow made it clear that being famous was good. And I mistakenly thought that if I was famous then everyone would love me.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

My car broke down this morning before I did.

Lots of people fake orgasms but I fake serenity.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass.

It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

It's funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from the same source.