Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 985

I've tried to do away with lying in my life in the last few years, but it's hard.

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.

They tell me that they love me... then they try to kiss me.

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

I've got a lot to say about television. There's a lot going on in television right now and I feel like a huge part of television.

That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?

You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.

Unlike Ray Porter, his love is fearless and without reservation.

Nobody can tell me what I can or can't do, except they can.

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

I can't think of a worse place to be, without a passport, without any money, ... Then you'd be really screwed.

You might be a redneck if you've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.

The only person I can barely compromise with is myself.