Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 985

I am so tired of rearranging my life around what the stupidest people might do.

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. “Is it Scotch?”, I asked. “Why?” the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?”. “In that case, have you got any wild duck?”. “No”, he responded, “but I’ve got one I could aggravate for you”

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

Sometimes you feel in control, and it's great, but sometimes you just don't feel in control and you really have to struggle to get laughs.

I would love to have the same rights as everybody else. I would love, I don't care if it's called marriage. I don't care if it's called, you know, domestic partnership. I don't care what it's called.

If you want to get rid of stuff, you can always do a good spring-cleaning. Or you can do what I do. Move.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

I've never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Elizabeth Taylor has a big heart. She recently built a halfway house for girls who don't want to go all the way.

Sex is scary cause you can die but worse than that, you could feel.

First grade show-and-tell, I taught the class to mix Long Island Iced Teas. From scratch.

My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

I do a show. It comes on late at night on TV. And if that means I'm a late-night talk show host, then I guess I am, but in every other regard I resign my commission, I don't care for it.