Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 986

If you're already so low on the parental totem pole, skill-wise, that you're letting your child scream "frickin'" in a public place... just let 'em say "fuck." He's already going to prison. Don't make him a bottom-bunk, too.

When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point.

I was the editor of the school newspaper and in drama club and choir, so I was not a popular girl in the traditional sense, but I think I was known for being relatively scathing.

Sex is scary cause you can die but worse than that, you could feel.

What's going on with the Oakland Raiders? You know, I don't want to say the Raiders are bad, but you know, now, a lot of fans are painting their faces just so they won't be recognized.

Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It’s like the original violins were made in Cremona and there’s never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.

You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I’ve never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.

I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush.

You might be a redneck if you have the electronic singing fish in more than three rooms in your house.

Maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun".

Woman are always thinking. Always. Their brains are continuously working. They are just thinking of shit all the time. Right now Vicky could be looking at the stage and thinking "I wonder what the stage is made out of. Is that microphone heavy? What if its a heavy microphone."

You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry.

Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.

Women will soon be able to make their own sperm using their own bone marrow. Is that unbelievable? How unfair is that for us guys, huh? I mean, all these years, we've been in charge of manufacturing and distribution, you know what I'm saying? We provide free delivery and installation…

There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.