Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 986
Damn! This flight attendant treating us like we won these first class tickets in a contest.
"The videos are hysterical. Almost matching Bob Saget's creative introductions to them". Actually, my parents said that. But then they also once said, "We're very disappointed in you, Bob." They said that, but that was before I had this show.
I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn’t hit her.
I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.
Here's the way I look at it. President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he'll be OK.
Pushing the envelope' sort of implies that you're inside the envelope with everyone else, and you're trying to find the edges on the outsides.
Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don’t laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.
Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures.
Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong, but every breath hurts.
When the stripper jumped out of the giant cake, everyone got excited. But then when she jumped into the regular-size cake, everyone got confused.
The only thing worse than a comedian who rips off premises and jokes is the thief who thinks he didn't do it.
That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? They are Evil.
We've lost our way, I thin. We keep waiting for a wizard to fix it. You know, the Democrats and Republicans - they're not going to fix it. That's just Coke and Pepsi - same crap, different can.