Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 986

You might be a redneck if on stag night, you take a real deer.

Your self-esteem is a notch below Kafka.

You might be a redneck if taking a dip has nothing to do with water.

It is amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? “What the?... Has someone been kidnapped?”

My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.

'Fang' is permanent in my act of course. Don't confuse him with my real husbands. They are temporary.

The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.

I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.'

I would rather be with my kids than anybody else.

I became a performer because it was what I enjoyed doing.

The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.

People watch TV on their laptops. I got the laptop, this has made me so lazy, this is ruining my life. I don't even turn off mine anymore. Do you? I just close mine. I can't be bothered with all that "Shutdown? Are you sure?" Questions, questions!

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn’t hit her.

Our freedoms are under siege - for our own good, they tell us.

Valentine’s Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.