Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 986
Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?
Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.
It is in that moment, when you really lay down your cards and see the relationship for what it was, that you'll find the freedom to kick it in the ass and let it go.
After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.
I can't think of a worse place to be, without a passport, without any money, ... Then you'd be really screwed.
I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.
One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, “Where are you from?” doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know?
Even before I knew I was gay, I knew I didn't want to have a child. I knew I didn't want to have one. I never want to have to release it from me. Listen, I love babies. I love children. And I melt when I'm around them. I also love my freedom and I love that I can sleep at night.
[Seeing Benny's breast implants] My God, Mom! You swallowed a bouncy house!