Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 987

I've tried to do away with lying in my life in the last few years, but it's hard.

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.

They tell me that they love me... then they try to kiss me.

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

I love Las Vegas. I like that Las Vegas has everything. Everything and anything you want to do, you can do in Las Vegas.

Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. But it all changes after that. You get a great car, a great job. You got a wife, kids, you got your health. But then your company is sold out from under you, your stocks tank, your wife's sleeping with the gardener and your teenage daughter is pregnant. And you notice that you have a prostate so hard, you can actually take a hammer to it. But hey, not one zit.

Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera, doesn't it?

In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.

And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.

I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering.

Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family...

Nobody can tell me what I can or can't do, except they can.

The more I get to know people, the less I know about people.

What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.