Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 987
If we lose our phones, we lose our phone books. You don't memorize numbers anymore.
You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can’t tell their sixteen year old daughter she’s not really a princess, well guess what, I can.
Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
You might be a redneck if your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.
You know what I like to do when I'm at Blockbuster? You know the quick- drop that they have there? I like to stick my penis in there. And then look at the help and say, "Have you seen this, is this any good?"
I've never wanted an Oscar, although they are reassuring to an actor who doesn't know how really great he is.
God forbid those kids won't have something to suck on all night!
I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."
But seriously, I think overall in the scheme of things winning an Emmy is not important. Let's get our priorities straight. I think we all know what's really important in life - winning an Oscar.
Why would you listen to another human being tell you where you’re going to go when you die? <br /> “Dude, have you ever been dead?”<br /> “No.”<br /> “So, wouldn’t it be safe to assume that you wouldn’t have the slightest fucking idea what you’re talking about.”