Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 987
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Santa blows all these shipping companies away. He delivers more than 2 billion packages in just 24 hours. He does it by sleigh. He doesn’t use tracking numbers and doesn’t use trucks. He just uses midgets and a giant bag.
My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact, my blood type is solid marmalade.
I would love to have the same rights as everybody else. I would love, I don't care if it's called marriage. I don't care if it's called, you know, domestic partnership. I don't care what it's called.
I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.
How do you lay low but still do your job? Try to stay out there without being out there like Jenny McCarthy?
In a Scottish opera, it ain't over 'till the fat lady bitch-slaps you.
Nobody wants to hear "don't fuck in the front hole" after a hard day at work.
Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: "Sorry. Wrong Number."
We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.
There are people who would like to get rid of minimum wage. But we have to have it, because if we didn't some people would not get paid money. They would work all week for two loaves of bread and some Spam.
Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.