Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 987
There's a point when you're famous and it's unbearable to go out because you're too famous. And there's a moment when you're famous just right.
But seriously, I think overall in the scheme of things winning an Emmy is not important. Let's get our priorities straight. I think we all know what's really important in life - winning an Oscar.
Do you think that during the Dust Bowl in the 1930's in the Midwest people thought "Wow, this must be global warming" or did they just think "Fuck, it hasn't rained in a while."
I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I'm gonna rip it off.
In a Scottish opera, it ain't over 'till the fat lady bitch-slaps you.
Right before I decided to come out, I went on a spiritual retreat called 'Changing the Inner Dialogue of Your Subconscious Mind.' I'd never been to anything like it before, and all my friends were taking bets on how long I'd last with no TV, no radio, no phone. But for me that was the beginning of paying attention to all the little things.
I can't pay her back, but what I can do is make her as happy as she thought I would when we first got married.
US needs to fix up it's election system so that votes are fairly counted, and the Electoral College is removed.
I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!