Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 988
There's more evil in the charts than in an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
Does anyone know... does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because... uh... you've all been in charge pretty much since... uh... what was that guys name... Constantine. He converted in, what was it, 312 A.D. I'm just saying, enjoy your success.
Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he’s in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.
My timing is so precise a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.
I enjoyed writing for someone else's voice, but I wasn't very good at it.
If I put forth a legitimate effort, then I feel like, if that doesn't work out, that's all I can do.
A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."
I started out as an impressionist and that`s all about observing - how people move, their voice quality, their attitudes and quirks.
I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.
I flew to Ireland once... I’m Welsh I brought shorts, t shirts, sunglasses, they don’t even sell them in Wales I had to go to Bristol to buy them!
If conservatives get to call universal healthcare "socialized medicine", I get to call private, for-profit healthcare "soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain".
I'm not playing with you. I will blow that black, crusty, dead knarled motherfucker the fuck off your foot! Now put the razor away!
"The videos are hysterical. Almost matching Bob Saget's creative introductions to them". Actually, my parents said that. But then they also once said, "We're very disappointed in you, Bob." They said that, but that was before I had this show.