Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 988

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I'm gonna rip it off.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

“They had to ask Spain I think, they’ve had to say to Spain, can you lend us some stuff for the roads, and it’s Gordon Brown phoning up going ‘pass the salt’”

If I had my life to live over... I wouldn't have time.

Now the country is in a terrible state and you've blamed it on a number of things - unemployment rate, the value of the pound, and all that. It's actually because the national anthem is boring.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

When you're in a relationship with someone who's selfish, what keeps you in it is the fact that when they shine on you, it's this souped-up shine. And you feel like you're in the club. And you don't even know what club it is. You just know you want to stay in it.

I'm so unfamiliar with the gym, I call it James!

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Life is for the living.

I've gotten in trouble with every race you can imagine.