Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 988

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

The only reason I sound depressed is because I'm tired of anxiety.

She didn't love me that much, but she moved in with me. That's a plus. And then one night, I caught her making out with another dude on the driveway. That's a minus.

I went "0-7..." and he actually went "Slow down!" So I went "0..." and he went "0-7-0..." "No! 0-7..." "0-7-0-0-7..." "No! 0...7..." "0-7-0-0-7-0-7" "Start again!" "How's Susan?" "Not the conversation, the number! That's not my number!" "Giving me a fake number?! Don't you want me to call?!" "No, no...!" Anyway, he hasn't called.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

I can't pay her back, but what I can do is make her as happy as she thought I would when we first got married.

The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I've been doing that all my life.

This year, I will hug my wife more. Or have my assistant hug her more for me.

I'm in an abusive relationship with butter. And I'm the only one getting hurt.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.

Crazy? ... Maybe. But that's a good kind of crazy. It's a guy who knows what he wants.

Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?