Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 989
I don't call her my middle child, I call her my center child, Because the world revolves around her.
What goes up must come down, which is why I don't wear tube tops.
The childless experts on child raising also bring tears of laughter to my eyes when they say, "I love children because they're so honest." There is not an agent in the CIA or the KGB who knows how to conceal the theft of food, how to fake being asleep, or how to forge a parent's signature like a child.
"The videos are hysterical. Almost matching Bob Saget's creative introductions to them". Actually, my parents said that. But then they also once said, "We're very disappointed in you, Bob." They said that, but that was before I had this show.
I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn’t hit her.
The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.
I can go from blokey to girlie in 15 minutes and then I'm out the door. But that's the fastest I can do it. Becoming a woman takes work.
My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
You know how you always expect someone to think the same as you and then your like, really shocked when they don't? Like when it's a cold day and you turn to the person next to you and say, 'Its so cold, aren't you cold?' and then they say 'no.' It's kinda like, 'what, are you a communist?'
You know you can't just run and shoot people in the knee-caps with double barreled shotgun 'cause you're pissed at them.
Over Christmas, I like to dress up as Jesus and I go to malls. And I walk through the malls saying, “No! No! This isn’t what it’s supposed to be about people.”