Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 989
I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!' I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'
Does anyone know... does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because... uh... you've all been in charge pretty much since... uh... what was that guys name... Constantine. He converted in, what was it, 312 A.D. I'm just saying, enjoy your success.
If I put forth a legitimate effort, then I feel like, if that doesn't work out, that's all I can do.
Most people think, "Life sucks, and then you die." I disagree. I think life sucks. Then you get cancer. Then you go into chemotherapy. You lose all your hair, you feel bad about yourself. Then all of the sudden the cancer goes into remission, and then all of the sudden you have a stroke. You can't move your right side. And then, maybe, you die.
You can start any Monty Python routine and people finish it for you. Everyone knows it like shorthand.
Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.
You know how you always expect someone to think the same as you and then your like, really shocked when they don't? Like when it's a cold day and you turn to the person next to you and say, 'Its so cold, aren't you cold?' and then they say 'no.' It's kinda like, 'what, are you a communist?'
You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.
Only cowards push a button from thousands of miles away, or tens of thousands of feet up, to kill people who can't possibly fight back.
Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you've got.
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering.
I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.