Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 989

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

Dracula, who said while they drove a wooden stake into his heart, "Boy, I sure hope this is heartburn." Never got a dinner!

The notebook. Yes, as you know Garofalo's a little forgetful. Has to bring her notebook. Between the Nutrasweet and the Fen-phen, I don't know whether to shit or wind my watch at this point. I gotta have a thing happening here because I don't wanna forget what I wanna discuss with you. I owe you that much.

I never go perform somewhere alone. I've done that since day one. I've always taken other comics with me.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say "work", you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all...

I loved Peter Sellers. I thought he was the perfect mix of physical comedy with out-of-the-box humor. I loved his tone; I loved his physicality; I loved everything about what he was doing as a comedic actor.

I don't think it makes any sense to try to get anyone to not talk.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

You might be a redneck if your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.

And now that you have a child you have to clean up your act, 'cause you can't drink anymore. You can't come home drunk and go, "Hey, here`s a little switch: Daddy's gonna throw up on you!"

It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.

I've tried to do away with lying in my life in the last few years, but it's hard.

I tried to buy bedding not so long ago... has anybody here tried to buy a duvet? Did you come up against the old tog rating system? It’s like coming up against the Spanish Inquisition.