Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 989

It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.

(Unlikely lines to hear on a TV Show ) Welcome to Blind Date with me , Stevie Wonder.

Being popular with an audience is a very rickety ladder to be on.

I’ll tell you what’s better than watching the sunrise… Sleeping through it.

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.

Norm is such a horrible gambler, he bet Jon Lovitz would be funny tonight.

The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear.

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.

Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living.

Describe your perfect man who looks like me…

There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.

Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!

Life, is easy. And if someone is ripping your ass, maybe they're just trying to push you. To the peak of your ability. Until, one day, you reach a level that even you didn't think you were capable of. Stick around those people. 'cos, sometimes, when you think someone's screwing you, they're helping you. And then sometimes, they're just screwing you. Little bastard.

I became a performer because it was what I enjoyed doing.

You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth. You are the opposite of Batman.