Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 989

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

Even a chameleon needs the proper amount of suction.

Why, her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

I have no money. I don’t even have a savings account cause I don’t know my mother’s maiden name and apparently that’s the key to whole thing.

You don’t get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.

[Seeing Benny's breast implants] My God, Mom! You swallowed a bouncy house!

And He saw that it was good!

I'm so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

I have a lot of hostility.

Santa blows all these shipping companies away. He delivers more than 2 billion packages in just 24 hours. He does it by sleigh. He doesn’t use tracking numbers and doesn’t use trucks. He just uses midgets and a giant bag.

My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact, my blood type is solid marmalade.

You might be a redneck if you move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."

In a Scottish opera, it ain't over 'till the fat lady bitch-slaps you.