Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 990
"The videos are hysterical. Almost matching Bob Saget's creative introductions to them". Actually, my parents said that. But then they also once said, "We're very disappointed in you, Bob." They said that, but that was before I had this show.
I can go from blokey to girlie in 15 minutes and then I'm out the door. But that's the fastest I can do it. Becoming a woman takes work.
I don’t think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.
You know you can't just run and shoot people in the knee-caps with double barreled shotgun 'cause you're pissed at them.
On why porn stars cant act: "I wanna know the correlation between an uncle's finger and bad acting"
It's a shame about the fish, it's a shame about the lake. But it'd be worse if it burst and people died.
Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you've got.
You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.
I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering.
I was doing sketches that were funny, but socially irresponsible. It was encouraged.
But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.
I can't think of a worse place to be, without a passport, without any money, ... Then you'd be really screwed.
Earth Day was created because we were doing a lot of drugs, more drugs than you could ever imagine. And so we came up with Earth Day, so we'd have one day that would remind us what planet we were living on.
Halloween seems to be getting bigger every year. I noticed a pattern this year with girls' costumes. Girls will take a typically altruistic career -- such as librarian, nurse, maybe nun -- and turn her into a whore.