Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 990
Political correctness seems to me to be about an institutionalized politeness at its worst.
Now all of us can talk to the NSA - just by dialing any number.
My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.
We've lost our way, I thin. We keep waiting for a wizard to fix it. You know, the Democrats and Republicans - they're not going to fix it. That's just Coke and Pepsi - same crap, different can.
New management came in and they cleaned everybody out so we hit the skids. We lived in a van, so I kind of know what happens to people when this happens.
My neighbor's pit bull just attacked their baby. Their kid is fine. But the baby's dead.
We’ve got stained glass windows in our house; it’s those damned pigeons.
The NFL draft is going to be this Thursday. That's a huge night for college players. That's the night they start being paid over the table.
The expression "working like a dog" dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.
Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage.
When you're in your 20s and 30s and you drop some weight, people notice, they're nice about it. They're like, 'Hey man, you look good!' But when you're in your 40s and you lose weight, people are like, 'You doin' all right?'
And then I was like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are white people just psyched all the time?” It’s, like, “‘Back to the Future’! That’s us! ‘Godfather’! That’s us! ‘Godfather Part II’! That’s us! ‘Departed’! That’s us! ‘Sunset Boulevard’! That’s us! ‘Citizen Kane’! That’s us! ‘Jaws’! That’s us! Every fucking movie but ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ and ‘Boyz n the Hood’ is us! We are white people! Suck our dicks!”