Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 990

My dad's idea of a good time is to go to Sears and walk around.

They got this program called Intervention. White people get on planes and boats and buses then go all the way across country to save the one muthafucka in the family who’s on crack. Black people don’t do shit like that. If you’re on crack, that’s your business.

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'

I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake he's got to clean it off. You hit a guy with a water balloon, he's got to dry off. Guy's in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved, he scratches and bleeds for a week... it's funny... you're not supposed to have a heart attack, it kills the joke.

Being popular with an audience is a very rickety ladder to be on.

I’ll tell you what’s better than watching the sunrise… Sleeping through it.

In a movie like this, the relationship between the two guys is crucial. It sinks or swims on how these two guys are together. I think we did a good job.

I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

It is amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? “What the?... Has someone been kidnapped?”

There's more evil in the charts than in an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

"I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda."

[as George W. Bush] I will tame evil, I will get the evil ones, We must find the evil ones. We must get evil, we must laminate evil, we must wear it round our necks, at the backstage party in paradise!

Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.

Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he’s in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.