Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 990
They debated NAFTA for a long time: should we sign it or not? Either way the people get fucked. Trade always exists for the traders. Anytime you hear businessmen debating “which policy is better for America,” - don’t bend over.
A lot of things have happened in my private life recently that I thought we could review tonight.
Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera, doesn't it?
I’m thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.
They used to have a smoking section at the airport. No more. They now have these glass-encased rooms. You’re not just a smoker, you’re an example to other people. You’re an exhibit at a futuristic zoo. You’re in a nicotine terrarium. There ought to be a sign that says, “The addict in his natural environment.”
I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.
There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.
Bing Crosby and I weren't the types to go around kissing each other. We always had a light jab for each other. One of our stock lines used to be "There's nothing I wouldn't do for Bing, and there's nothing he wouldn't do for me. And that's the way we go through life - doing nothing for each other!
According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan?
Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.