Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 991
What I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz.
I recently turned fifty, which is young for a tree, midlife for an elephant, and ancient for a quarter miler, who's son now says, "Dad, I just can't run the quarter with you anymore unless I bring something to read."
I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.
I flew to Ireland once... I’m Welsh I brought shorts, t shirts, sunglasses, they don’t even sell them in Wales I had to go to Bristol to buy them!
I don't go out nightclubbing anymore. I can't do it. I never got it with bouncers. I mean proper nightclub bouncers. You know, the ones that look like boiled egg on top of a stuffed beanbag. Sorry, Dara O'Briain.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls till she died.
You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.
I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn’t hit her.
Just broke up with somebody. Well, it wasn't really a break up, it was a booty call I might have took too serious.
Here's the way I look at it. President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he'll be OK.
I've got a lot to say about television. There's a lot going on in television right now and I feel like a huge part of television.
You think the President of the United States wants to fuck every woman he meets?.. Well, bad example.
Everything Reagan does, Gorbachev does him one better. Reagan wears the flag of his country on his lapel. Gorby wears the map of his country on his forehead.
On why porn stars cant act: "I wanna know the correlation between an uncle's finger and bad acting"