Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 991

I got myself a snack of low-sodium, low-fat Triscuits. If they were lower in anything else the box would be empty.

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.

I feel like I've got this anti-marriage thing, but it's less that and more I'm overthinking it to get it right.

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

When you're accustomed to doing stand-up, so often you're the only person onstage and it's all your thing. It's very gladiatorial. Obviously, when you're in a scene with somebody, you're supposed to listen and react - and that's a bit of a transition.

Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.

I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he’s been pushed for money ever since.

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."

It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

I can't pay her back, but what I can do is make her as happy as she thought I would when we first got married.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."