Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 991

My neighbor's pit bull just attacked their baby. Their kid is fine. But the baby's dead.

I do what I can do when I can do it.

But seriously, I think overall in the scheme of things winning an Emmy is not important. Let's get our priorities straight. I think we all know what's really important in life - winning an Oscar.

... you've probably worked out by now that all our songs are ridiculously long to make up for the total lack of content.

I don't have all the answers. I don't have a big closer, and I may not have a point. But I have a tit-fuck joke.

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue.

Yes, what is this? Huh? This is whack! I can't get jiggy with this shit! Where's your damn manager, that pink motherfucker?

And hold on, I'm sure they're pissed off about something.

In a Scottish opera, it ain't over 'till the fat lady bitch-slaps you.

When you walk into the public restroom, why is everything fucking wet?

If I had my life to live over... I wouldn't have time.

Now the country is in a terrible state and you've blamed it on a number of things - unemployment rate, the value of the pound, and all that. It's actually because the national anthem is boring.

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.

I'm a compulsive everything.