Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 992
No matter how popular you are as a stand-up - you can go out and fill a 10,000-seat arena and be smart and funny - it's delicate to host an awards show and know where your place is and know that it's not about you, that it's about the people who are nominated, and respect that, but at the same time have your moment to show them who you are.
The University of Ilinois has hired 15 women to smell pig manure all day so that researchers can find out what makes pig manure smell so bad. You know who I feel sorry for? The woman who applied for this job and got turned down.
That’s America for you - a red herring culture, always scared of the wrong things. The fact is, there are a lot of creepy middle-aged men out there lusting for your kids. They work for MTV, the pharmaceutical industry, McDonald’s, Marlboro and K Street.
Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: "Sorry. Wrong Number."
There's a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue, when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.
Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.
If you're already so low on the parental totem pole, skill-wise, that you're letting your child scream "frickin'" in a public place... just let 'em say "fuck." He's already going to prison. Don't make him a bottom-bunk, too.
They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.
Jesus is not a candle. A company in South Dakota is selling candles with the scent of Jesus. You light one and your friends says, "Christ, what's that smell?"
If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.
They got this program called Intervention. White people get on planes and boats and buses then go all the way across country to save the one muthafucka in the family who’s on crack. Black people don’t do shit like that. If you’re on crack, that’s your business.
You might be a redneck if you think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
Let me tell you about Australia. It’s really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really far from wherever you live on Earth. You fly and you fly and you fly. Then relativity takes over and you get younger and younger. And when you land, you’re a gleam in your father’s eye.