Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 992

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

I can go from blokey to girlie in 15 minutes and then I'm out the door. But that's the fastest I can do it. Becoming a woman takes work.

Or is it that I think too much?

Everything Reagan does, Gorbachev does him one better. Reagan wears the flag of his country on his lapel. Gorby wears the map of his country on his forehead.

You know you can't just run and shoot people in the knee-caps with double barreled shotgun 'cause you're pissed at them.

Never kiss in public, but at home I am affectionate.

Rush Limbaugh. He should come out everyday with shit on his face. And just sit down at that fucking desk with that smug stupid little smile and say, “I was talking to Pat Robertson today as you can see.”

Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.

Once you've been an astronaut and you've gone on a mission, doesn't the rest of your life just add up to one big disappointment after another? What are their daily lives like? ‘Golly gee, I caught a fish! Ha ha! This reminds me of that time I walked on the fucking moon!’

I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?

I watched the American Music Awards last night. Beyonce lost in all three of her categories, but she did win a special award - which was our way of saying we still love you but we need to see other people.

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

I have a car stereo that will leave messages. It’s got a manual two inches thick. The manual that came with my wife is smaller.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.