Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 992

I would have to say loneliness is next to uncleanliness.

Maybe other people will try to limit me but I don't limit myself.

I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck.

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'

I come from a very big family... nine parents.

Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.

The notebook. Yes, as you know Garofalo's a little forgetful. Has to bring her notebook. Between the Nutrasweet and the Fen-phen, I don't know whether to shit or wind my watch at this point. I gotta have a thing happening here because I don't wanna forget what I wanna discuss with you. I owe you that much.

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

I swear if Colgate comes out with one more type of toothepaste. I just want clean teeth that's all I want. I don't want the tartar and I don't want the cavaties. And I want white teeth. How come I have to choose? And then they have the 'Colgate Total' that supposedly has everything in there. I don't believe that for one second. If it's all in the one, how come they make all the others? Who's going: "I don't mind the tartar so much."?

Last time you bring me pie, I cut into it, with my tiny pie cutter, and millions of birds flew out hitting me in the eyes and the temples...it was a trick pie!

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I loved Peter Sellers. I thought he was the perfect mix of physical comedy with out-of-the-box humor. I loved his tone; I loved his physicality; I loved everything about what he was doing as a comedic actor.

I don't think it makes any sense to try to get anyone to not talk.

Marriage was the only way to truly find out that I was the wrong choice.