Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 993

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

You might be a redneck if taking a dip has nothing to do with water.

Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn’t really set out to do this, but comedy has served as my outlet to address my issues I have with this crazy world.

"I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda."

I was a nerd growing up, and I'm a little antisocial and awkward.

[as George W. Bush] I will tame evil, I will get the evil ones, We must find the evil ones. We must get evil, we must laminate evil, we must wear it round our necks, at the backstage party in paradise!

Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.

I would have felt a little funny if another actor was playing this role.

I swear if Colgate comes out with one more type of toothepaste. I just want clean teeth that's all I want. I don't want the tartar and I don't want the cavaties. And I want white teeth. How come I have to choose? And then they have the 'Colgate Total' that supposedly has everything in there. I don't believe that for one second. If it's all in the one, how come they make all the others? Who's going: "I don't mind the tartar so much."?

There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.

Lasting harmony with a woman (was) an undertaking in which I twice failed rather disgracefully.

My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make films.

To be with another woman, that is French. To be caught, that is American.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.'

I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.