Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 993

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

I became a performer because it was what I enjoyed doing.

You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth. You are the opposite of Batman.

In spite of the six thousand manuals on child raising in the bookstores, child raising is still a dark continent and no one really knows anything. You just need a lot of love and luck - and, of course, courage.

I don't go out nightclubbing anymore. I can't do it. I never got it with bouncers. I mean proper nightclub bouncers. You know, the ones that look like boiled egg on top of a stuffed beanbag. Sorry, Dara O'Briain.

What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I'm not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they're anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they're anti-gay, they turn out to be gay. If they're super Christian, they're a witch.

This is brought to you by HBO, which is a subsidiary of Time Warner, also owned by America Online. You've got mail! I hope you don't have stocks.

Stand-up is a lot like sex. There's a lot of crying involved and I get paid to do it.

Economists predict that this year's federal surplus will be $120 billion less than predicted in January. The missing $120 billion was reportedly last seen on a date with Congressman Gary Condit.

Just broke up with somebody. Well, it wasn't really a break up, it was a booty call I might have took too serious.

I don’t think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.

Never kiss in public, but at home I am affectionate.

You know, folks, the French have always been reluctant to surrender to the wishes of their friends, and almost anticipatory in their urge to surrender to the wishes of their enemies.

There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.