Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 993
I've tried to do away with lying in my life in the last few years, but it's hard.
I tried to buy bedding not so long ago... has anybody here tried to buy a duvet? Did you come up against the old tog rating system? It’s like coming up against the Spanish Inquisition.
The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.
Why is monotheistic faith better than polytheistic? I mean, either you believe – if you believe in, like, a magic person who can do magic things, why is it different – so different if it’s Superman or the Fantastic Four?
I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.
As a child my parents said they believed in Santa Claus but that I didn't exist.
I’m more of a glass empty kinda guy. I look at it as having more room for ice.
Only then does he realize what he has done to Mirabelle, how wanting a square inch of her and not all of her has damaged them both, and how he cannot justify his actions except that, well, it was life.
Rush Limbaugh. He should come out everyday with shit on his face. And just sit down at that fucking desk with that smug stupid little smile and say, “I was talking to Pat Robertson today as you can see.”
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
Being a parent is a life sentence. From the day that kid is born until the day you die. And then some. Mum, there is nothing to forgive. You gave me life. And, hey, you're not crazy anymore. Everybody thinks I am. Real funny, mum.
The Marines gave me a really strong sense of discipline and a work ethic that kicks in at my job.