Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251
I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.
He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.
I know what it's like to have a family and not have insurance and really need it. As a comic, insurance was one of those sacrifices I made early on until I could afford it.
Can you imagine being bilingual? Or even knowing anybody that was? I'm not even unilingual. Actually, I shouldn't say that. I don't give myself enough credit. I know enough English to, you know, get by. I can order in restaurants and stuff.
Love. It's God's greatest gift. He fills our world with it and makes sure we grow up with caring, supportive parents. I'm just kidding. Pain is God's greatest gift. Pain is God's way of saying, "Hurts, don't it ? Well, go ahead. Say, me dammit again."
Do you realize that if the pilgrims have been chasing bobcats instead of turkeys... we'd all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving?!
It's only a joke and the duck didn't really die, and you conservationists are probably all pure vegetarians and don't eat meat or anything like that and you're worried...I hope a butterfly flies up your nose you choke to death!
People might say, "What's so great about the Arctic Monkeys? I've never even seen them." Well, you've never seen God either. You're gonna tell me he's not awesome?
You might be a redneck if... you've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
I was in Mexico, and I see how these people operate. They're not stupid. Did you know that in Cabo San Lucas, there is actually a Home Depot? I swear to God. Then I went inside the Home Depot, but there was nothing inside, completely empty. It was just a fa ade. And then I looked outside, and there were Mexicans standing out front - but there was nothing inside, but they were outside. And then I realized: it's a training facility!
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
We were watching this procession. It was fucking terrible and the crucifix was about 20 feet high coming around the corner. And my wee grandson says, "who's that?" I say, "that's Jesus". He says, "baby Jesus?!" I say, "yeah, that's him". He says, "somebody killed baby Jesus!" It was the most sincere religious cry. If Christians did that, I would believe them. "what? The bastards killed Jesus!"
All these years I've sat in airports and kind of drawn people and put like Far Side captions on them.