Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 252

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

Why do you believe it and what's your motivation for believing in it? I don't even believe in the shit I say for a full 24 hours. I would love to have a consistent viewpoint of my own. It would be nice to have that solid, stiff head that said, 'Well, I'm a Democrat and that's because I believe, and my parents believe, that we should have some kind of social safety net.' They don't ever look at the flaws: you get her pregnant, you marry her. That's just what you do. I'd love to have that shallow, unquestioned belief.

Come to your place at 5 in the monrning, eat your food, drink your drinks, leave at 6:30 without fucking like it’s cool. That’s a passive burglary.

Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid.

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

Every generation thinks they invented sex, which is the stupidest assumption in the world because if that was the case, you wouldn't even be here.

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

Swallow bitch, there’s people starving in Africa.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

If you ain't laughing, you ain't living, baby.

The human spirit is more powerful than any drug and that is what needs to be nourished with work, play, friendship, family. These are the things that matter.

That was funny, yet sad. Kind of like getting tit-fucked by a clown.

I love my hunting dog. I loved my hunting dog - I'm not very good at hunting.

Oh she tripped? No, she's running. I thought she tripped but she's running. She stopped running, she did trip. You tripped!