Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 252
Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone's grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
My little sister tried to run away from home once. But, just a few hours later, somebody found the body.
Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.
I hate Tom Cruise... In TV interviews Tom laughs inappropriately and much too vociferously at non-humorous declarative statements, which is ironic because in real life he can’t take a fucking joke at all. All you have to do is make one simple, little, harmless, innocuous aside like, 'The Scientology spaceship was late today; it had to stop by Fire Island to pick up Tom Cruise,' and he has a pack of lawyers at your door faster than Katie Holmes can say, 'No, really, he loves me in that way, I swear.'
I buried my grandmother last year. It was devastating for my grandfather. He's still really mad at me.
Nowadays you can’t even spank your kids. No, gotta give ‘em a time out. My dad would take time out of his busy day... to whip our ass.
Hard work is fine if its a work of passion but just to work hard to buy shit to impress people. You're a fucking loser.
The things I talk about in my comedy are my experiences. I just do what I know.
It sure is a beautiful day. Know why? My wife walked out on me. Isn't that nice? I'm so glad the bitch is gone.