Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 252

Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone's grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

White people don't forget shit. 'Cause the next brother Johnny Cochran would have represented would have got all O.J.'s time. "Double life? For speeding? You bullshittin'!"

I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, "I'm really good at checkers". That's the same thing as saying, "I'm not good at very many things."

I never looked at Gallagher like he was a threat to me.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!

I don't need somebody behind a desk to tell me what a marketing survey says is funny. I got 3 million miles and 70,000 tickets sold, telling me that I know how to make people laugh.

Everybody really needs to laugh... If you don't laugh, you're not going to live long.

I made the grandkids laugh. John Madden finally liked me!

When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me.

If you've ever thought of jumping off of a tall building, there was a guy who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. He survived, and he said this, he said "halfway down, I thought it was a bad idea."

I was walking through the park. I had a very bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I know... I should have heard them hiding.

You know what they would do? They would come to my elementary school with films to show me how to protect myself from a nuclear-fuck-holocaust. They would show this giant nuclear-fucking-bomb just blowing the shit out of everything. Goats and monkeys flying everywhere. The windows of the elementary school blown out, the teacher banged up against the fucking blackboard. But there were the children... hiding safely under their desks.

I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.