Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 252
You might be a redneck if you've ever had your nipple bitten off by a beaver.
White people talking about how Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves. No he didn't; polyester did. They stopped wearing cotton; they had to let us go.
Sledge-O-Matic removes unwanted fingerprints from walls. Sledge-O-Matic also removes unwanted walls from fingerprints.
My friends went over to Europe and they brought back a magazine called Piss Drinkers magazine. Now what was really creepy about it was: this was issue 8, volume 22 of Piss Drinkers. It’s a 22-year-old magazine.
That was funny, yet sad. Kind of like getting tit-fucked by a clown.
I called them up, "Ya, I have ten boxes; can you come pick them up?" "We need to know the weight and the girth." "Okay, good-bye." So I called back. "We need the weight and the girth." "Okay, I don't know what the weight is, and um, I don't know what girth means... So now what's the procedure?" So this guy talks to me like I'm four years old. "Well do you have a bathroom scale?" "Uh, ya but if I put the box on the scale it's gonna cover up the numbers!" What, do I take it off really quick? Ah, zero: I'm not fast enough. What's he talking about? So then he gives me his Mister Wizard Formula, "How about if you stand on the scale and weigh yourself and get off the scale. Pick up the box, get back on, weigh you and the box together, and subtract your own weight." I'm going, "Slow down. Hold on professor." I know this guys never tried this, because I tried it and you still can't see the numbers! Then I had to hang up in the middle of his girth formula.
People are always like, "Oh, she's such a bitch." I'm like, "Yeah, I am a bitch, actually."
I want a woman that's going to arouse my intellect as well as my lions.
A friend told me to listen to my heart. Another friend told me to listen to my gut. Maybe I need an autopsy, because right now my colon is kind of iffy.
You can't fire white folk. You fire white folk, you'd best believe somebody gettin' shot that day. "I'm fired? I'll be right back, you sons of bitches...!" You fire a brother, we be mad for a different reason. "How come you didn't call me at home, motherfucker? You knew I was fired yesterday! Makin' me burn up all my goddamn gas..."
I was walking through the park. I had a very bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I know... I should have heard them hiding.
I eat meat because meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty dam good!
Today in New York City, Sarah Palin had a meeting with Donald Trump. Now, experts say if those two joined forces on a Presidential ticket it would be the greatest gift ever given to comedy.