Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 252

I'm not gonna lie, I love the holidays. But Christmas was a lot more fun when you weren't paying for it.

I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.

Into the mud, scum queen!

The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International. Club International: It was about as international as the International House of Pancakes. It should have been called Naked Cockney Girls with Scurvy.

Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, "Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!"

When I was in high school I experimented sexually. The experiment was to never have sex with anybody no matter how hard I tried. Success! Hypothesis confirmed.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

I spit on education. No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

Everything organic and natural is good, ignoring the fact that organic natural substances include arsenic and poo and crocodiles. And everything chemical is bad, ignoring the fact that… everything is chemicals.

You'll always feel good about your body when you go to the International House of Pancakes - no matter what your body is - because there's always someone there who weighs 350 pounds more than you’ll ever weigh.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Every generation thinks they invented sex, which is the stupidest assumption in the world because if that was the case, you wouldn't even be here.

I didn't really have a plan of attack when I got in college.