Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 252

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

I never looked at Gallagher like he was a threat to me.

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

You might be a redneck if you've ever had your nipple bitten off by a beaver.

I spit on education. No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

Carrot Top is a nickname that people call me and I thought that it was more marketable.

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

A friend told me to listen to my heart. Another friend told me to listen to my gut. Maybe I need an autopsy, because right now my colon is kind of iffy.

So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where ya from?

I love my hunting dog. I loved my hunting dog - I'm not very good at hunting.

Old peoples' skin sags because it's being pulled toward the underworld.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

You can't fire white folk. You fire white folk, you'd best believe somebody gettin' shot that day. "I'm fired? I'll be right back, you sons of bitches...!" You fire a brother, we be mad for a different reason. "How come you didn't call me at home, motherfucker? You knew I was fired yesterday! Makin' me burn up all my goddamn gas..."

You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.