Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 250
I don’t like thank you cards because I don’t know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? "See Front."
When the show don't be funny, I take my dick out and piss. This is called The Garden Row.
When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.
My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
I eat meat because meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty dam good!
If we all die and there is no God, then it’s just eternal unconsciousness, you’ll never know, but if you’re wrong... you’ll know forever.
The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International. Club International: It was about as international as the International House of Pancakes. It should have been called Naked Cockney Girls with Scurvy.
Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, "Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!"
As we approach the millennium with sort of the idea that society is going to start spiraling into chaos, I'd love to be making jokes about that. Who wants to miss out on that? If the world is going to end, I want to be there the night before, goofing off.
I hate Tom Cruise... In TV interviews Tom laughs inappropriately and much too vociferously at non-humorous declarative statements, which is ironic because in real life he can’t take a fucking joke at all. All you have to do is make one simple, little, harmless, innocuous aside like, 'The Scientology spaceship was late today; it had to stop by Fire Island to pick up Tom Cruise,' and he has a pack of lawyers at your door faster than Katie Holmes can say, 'No, really, he loves me in that way, I swear.'
What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.
You might be a redneck if an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life.
I love you with every cell, with every atom. I love you on a subatomic level.