Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 250
What’s wrong about eating cows? What do you think god made them for? Their big, their stupid, their delicious. You want more reasons? I never met an animal more prepared to die than a cow. Next time you go to the farm look at a cow in the eyes, it is begging you for a bullet.
I eat meat because meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty dam good!
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.
Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
That was funny, yet sad. Kind of like getting tit-fucked by a clown.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
White people talking about how Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves. No he didn't; polyester did. They stopped wearing cotton; they had to let us go.
There's something about having a great bottle of wine and a great cigar. Nothing compares to it.
My uncle Jack. We are at the funeral, and we weren’t even outside. We were in the church! And the reverend had just finished his eulogy, when we heard, “Psshhh!” And everyone turned to uncle Jack, who was holding a beer, going, “What?”
When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.
Everyone has seen their dad's penis. Yes, you have. Don't do this to me, New York. Yes, you have. Yes, you have. You have seen your dad's penis. Oh, right. Raise your hands if you've seen your dad's penis. You are fucking lying to me! How am I, as a British person, the least repressed human being in this room?!
I buried my grandmother last year. It was devastating for my grandfather. He's still really mad at me.