Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 250
My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
Larry King's been married eight times. Eight times! Jesus, man. You've got 99 problems and bitches are all of them!
The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.
You remember my neighbor with the burns on 90 percent of her body? Well, she burned the other 10 percent now. She was lighting a fart and her bush caught fire!
Old peoples' skin sags because it's being pulled toward the underworld.
I know I'll never have a weight problem, you know why? First morning I wake up and can't see my dick? I stop eating!
So finally, on about the fifteenth tee, I hit the drive of my life. And any of you people who play golf, you know the drive I'm talking about. The minute you hit it, you just drop your club. You hang on to the beer, let's don't get stupid. And I watch this ball just go and go and kind of hit this guy in the head. And I felt bad, but he overreacted, I thought. I mean, it wasn't like a square hit; it just kind of glanced off his head. But he goes whippin' his car off the freeway, like "here we go!" Mr. Attitude! So now, he's barreling down the fairway screaming at the top of his lungs, like "what are you, some kind of cruddy golfer?" I'm like, "hey, I hit you, didn't I? You were traveling sixty-five miles an hour. That's a pretty good shot in my book."
The best thing about where comedy is now is if you have a little bit of talent and a strong work ethic, and strong social skills, you can make a name for yourself and you can make money.
Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
I'm not a big one for jokes. I can't tell a joke, believe it or not. If you gave me a thousand bucks and said, 'Don, get up at a party and tell a joke', I'm the worst.
Everybody really needs to laugh... If you don't laugh, you're not going to live long.
I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.