Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 250

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

Nowadays you can’t even spank your kids. No, gotta give ‘em a time out. My dad would take time out of his busy day... to whip our ass.

I never looked at Gallagher like he was a threat to me.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

You remember my neighbor with the burns on 90 percent of her body? Well, she burned the other 10 percent now. She was lighting a fart and her bush caught fire!

Sledge-O-Matic removes unwanted fingerprints from walls. Sledge-O-Matic also removes unwanted walls from fingerprints.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

I love stand-up. I look at it as a way to always stay productive. I couldn't imagine only being an actor or a writer. Because what the hell do I do when I'm not working? Mope?

That was funny, yet sad. Kind of like getting tit-fucked by a clown.

It's not called cocaine any more. It's now referred to as "Crack Classic."

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

There's nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her - because the kid can tell.

I try to do something the audience might not have seen before. Like if I'm gonna kiss a girl I wanna kiss her like a girl has never been kissed. Like maybe I would kick her legs out from under her and catch her right before she hits the ground and then kiss her.

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.