Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 250
I went to Dayton, Ohio, recently. Know what's a fun thing to do there? Pack up and get the fuck out, that's what.
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.
Sledge-O-Matic removes unwanted fingerprints from walls. Sledge-O-Matic also removes unwanted walls from fingerprints.
You'll always feel good about your body when you go to the International House of Pancakes - no matter what your body is - because there's always someone there who weighs 350 pounds more than you’ll ever weigh.
You might be a redneck if you work with a shirt off... and so does your husband.
I love tea. Mmmm. I know I'm getting old because I'm startin' get excited about tea. Just sitting in the loungeroom bored ya no. Somebody goes "You want a cup of tea?" and I go "Oar he hor." Start feeling a little bit depressed when it gets to the bottom, I think to myself I'll just make myself another cup, I can feel happy again.
There's nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her - because the kid can tell.
Make-believe cowboys. Closest they've ever gotten to a cow is when they stopped to take a piss at an Arby's.
The things I talk about in my comedy are my experiences. I just do what I know.
This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.