Quotes and Jokes by Andy Kindler

Andy Kindler is an American comedian from Queens, New York. He played the character "Andy", a fellow sportswriter and friend of sportswriter "Ray Barone" on the TV show Everybody Loves Raymond, was a regular guest on Late Show with David Letterman, contributor to The Daily Show and has performed on HBO.

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 89)

#1

Why does Louis CK get named Comedy Person of the Year? I should be named Comedy Person of the Year just so I can parlay it into another few weeks of road work.

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#2

Maybe Bill Maher should just practice his monologue a few times before the show, so he wouldn’t find it so hilarious. But I kid the asshole.

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#3

BJ Novak gets the Perseverance Award for graduating from Harvard and being unemployed for the entire plane ride to Los Angeles.

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#4

Jewish people, we don't believe in Hell or a future place to suffer. We're suffering right now. Every one of our holidays celebrates how much we've suffered. Passover - we're celebrating 5,000 years ago, God passed over our houses and murdered all the Egyptians. We're celebrating, 'Hey, thank God we didn't get slaughtered.'

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#5

I don’t think there’s anything Craig Ferguson could say that would make me laugh. Ad-libbing is not the same as entertainment.

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#6

I’m Jewish… We’re a very nervous group. Paranoid. Anxiety-ridden. Maybe that Hitler thing made us a little jumpy. Nothing like a Holocaust to make you mind your Ps and Qs for a couple hundred years I always say.

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#7

Once when Larry the Cable Guy was on Conan’s show, Conan O’Brien was so offended by Larry’s material, he had to walk away from the desk he was so offended.

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#8

I made fun of Adam Sandler so that future generations of comedians could be cast in his movies. I made fun of Jay leno so there could be a Jimmy Fallon.

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#9

Here's a way to break up an astrological love-fest: you just stick your head in the middle of the people and go, 'Uh, you know, Hitler was a Sagittarius.'

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#10

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

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#11

Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it’s the funniest.

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#12

Eddie Izzard is doing his show in French... Will he be able to fake ad-lib as well in other languages? He’s been speaking French for a while now, but he’s talking about doing his act in German. Haven’t the German people suffered enough?

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#13

I actually performed at an orthodox Jewish wedding, where the men were separated from the women, but they both came together to not enjoy what I was talking about.

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#14

I was in Philadelphia - a very angry town, Philadelphia. I've never seen a town like this. It's supposed to be the City of Brotherly Love - like when my brother was 12 and I was nine, and he would lean on my shoulder and dangle spit in my face.

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#15

I don’t really know what’s wrong with Jay Leno. I don’t have the training to make a professional diagnosis.

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