Quotes & Jokes by Andy Kindler

89 quotes

Maybe Bill Maher should just practice his monologue a few times before the show, so he wouldn’t find it so hilarious. But I kid the asshole.

BJ Novak gets the Perseverance Award for graduating from Harvard and being unemployed for the entire plane ride to Los Angeles.

Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it’s the funniest.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

I'm sorry and ashamed to report that I'm not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust.

Jewish people, we don't believe in Hell or a future place to suffer. We're suffering right now. Every one of our holidays celebrates how much we've suffered. Passover - we're celebrating 5,000 years ago, God passed over our houses and murdered all the Egyptians. We're celebrating, 'Hey, thank God we didn't get slaughtered.'

I’m Jewish… We’re a very nervous group. Paranoid. Anxiety-ridden. Maybe that Hitler thing made us a little jumpy. Nothing like a Holocaust to make you mind your Ps and Qs for a couple hundred years I always say.

I do have insecurities. I don’t know if you can tell. I’m not brimming with confidence.

I’m doing a roast as if the roast was pure rage and I wasn’t there to kid.

There’s a lot of controversy online, some people say i’m a genius and other say i’m hugely talented.

President Obama. He is the man. I’ve tried the rest, and he is the best. My dream is for him to appoint me to be the Secretary of Humor. My first act will be to make whatever Larry the Cable Guy is doing illegal.

Once when Larry the Cable Guy was on Conan’s show, Conan O’Brien was so offended by Larry’s material, he had to walk away from the desk he was so offended.

Some of my stuff, I realize is just rage.

Eddie Izzard is doing his show in French... Will he be able to fake ad-lib as well in other languages? He’s been speaking French for a while now, but he’s talking about doing his act in German. Haven’t the German people suffered enough?

Here's a way to break up an astrological love-fest: you just stick your head in the middle of the people and go, 'Uh, you know, Hitler was a Sagittarius.'