Quotes & Jokes by Aries Spears

22 quotes

How do you ask a woman to gargle your nuts?

I like to go to the frat house and drink with my white friends, because anytime you go drinking at the frat house, white boys bring you a drink and hand it to you like it's a top CIA secret. They'll hand me my drink, and I'll go, 'Man, what the hell is in this?' 'Dude, don't worry. Don't ask, just drink it. I'll see you in 20 minutes.' Next thing you know, I'm buck naked, standing on a coffee table, with a cowboy hat.

Obama had all the right ingredients that came together at the right time. He’s tall, good-looking, articulate, highly intelligent, smooth under pressure, charismatic. And most importantly, the right shade. He made white people feel comfortable. Because y’all know if that nigga was Bernie Mac black or precious purple, he wouldn’t have won. He’s like coffee with cream, it goes down easy.

To sustain longevity, you have to evolve.

We are all a little bit racist. White people, y’all are the first people to denounce it. "I’m not racist. I’m incapable of being racist. My best friend is black... He’s also my chauffeur, but he’s my best friend."

The best part about being a stand-up is the connection with the audience. There's nothing more gratifying then when you can make 300 people applaud and stand up - because that's all you.

I think Chappelle set the bar when he came out with his show. To be as great as him or greater you have to push it a little further - as long as there's substance in terms of the material.

I’m at a very frustrating point in my career because I’m not a millionaire. Like, people assume because you’re in movies or TV, you’re rich. I’m not rich, but I’m far from broke. I’m what you call a ‘thousandaire.’

Ladies Commit, There’s A Wedding In It For You.

Fellas, you have to stop letting women put all this pressure on us. Talking about, "I didn’t come". "Bitch, I did. What’s wrong with your shit?" I tell a woman before we even get started, "Look, team bus leaves in two minutes and eight seconds. I’ma scream your name twice and I’ma scratch you off the clipboard. You better hurry the fuck up."

I'm from the streets of New York. I know what tough talk sounds like.

Because it's uncensored cable, I think we'll be able to do the kind of sketch comedy that really hasn't been seen before. We can actually finish jokes.

Eddie Murphy was the Michael Jordan of comedy. He had a full range of abilities.

My momma used to kick in the door like SWAT!

I know when the anthrax thing hit - white people, y'all was very nervous. Y'all would come up to me at work and warn me, like 'Oh my God, Aries, be careful. Don't open your mail.' Let me tell you something - black folks was never worried about anthrax because, half the time, we don't open our mail no way. We might think that's a bill. We might hold it to the light and go, 'That's a red slip.' If you want to get us with anthrax, put that in a Jay-Z CD. That's how you get us.